Cold Love

I have come to realise that when your child gets a cold, you get one too. And it's no wonder with the snotty kisses, in-your-face-sneezes, wanting to feed you a soggy piece of pancake and the nose to nose morning snoozes.

How could I refuse any of the above [yucky as some of it is]?! He's just wanting to show how much he loves his mommy. And that is the best feeling in the world!

sWEEt?

Yesterday I was carrying Baby N through the kitchen when I thought "Gee, he must have wee-weed for an entire army. He stinks of pee!" So I checked and no. No pee. A little while later the same thing happens again. No wee in Baby N's nappy and I start becoming a little bit paranoid.
"God, is it me?! Do I smell of wee-wee? Is this the water-incontinence that can follow pregnancy?! Holy shit!!"

But, Thank God!, it wasn't me either! So I started sniffing around and I realised that it is the white narcissus I bought last week that smells. Of wee-wee. Of pee. Eurgh!

It's getting worse so I'm going to get rid of it. It'll have to go outside. Flowers grow outside. It can thrive outside, smelling of wee. Outside. And I won't have to worry about smelling of wee. Not yet anyway. Phew!

Busy Bee - That's Me

I know, I know... how on earth can I be busy when I'm at home with an 8 month old who basically sits where I put him until I pick him back up again - or until he loses his balances and topples over. But, let me tell you, I am busy!

The Little Man keeps me busy even if he's on the floor playing with a toy ... or his own toes. It's sort of the same thing to him. and I have stuff to do for the wedding, christmas presents (to wrap), keep the house presentable, cook, go for walks, laundry, grocery shopping.........

AAAAaaaaaaaarrrrrrgh!

Please bear with me while I try to organize myself and get to the bottom of the "to do"-list. I'll get there. Soon. I've got to. Dear God, I really hope so!

Bring it on!

... or off

Shingles sucks, let's be honest. But, apparently it also makes you lose weight!! Probably because i was too tired to even remember eating. "Every cloud..." and all that positive thinking nonsense.

Update

So, my mom has left after a wonderful week. Wonderful for me, that is... Mom took Baby N at night and then she did loads around the house and garden to help me out and because she hates sitting around without anything to do.

This means I had a great opportunity to rest. Not that I slept a lot but just the knowledge that someone was here if I needed a rest made me feel loads better and stress less. The pain from the shingles is still pretty bad but the pain was never the problem. Like I've said before, I'm a hard ass when it comes to pain but it was being exhausted that was the problem.

I felt I was dangerous to Baby N as I kept nodding off, even while standing up, so I was afraid to pick him up and little babies obviously needs a lot of attention but it was too scary. The fact that my mom could come with such short notice was great. I honestly don't think I could have recovered as much as I have on my own. Boyfriend's been awesome too but he has to work during the days when I needed help as well.

Anyhow, I must remember to take it slow or I'll just exhaust myself and it'll take even longer before I'm back to 'normal' again. But I definitely feel I am on the right way.

x

Shingles and Skittles

Oh man, it actually hurts having shingles. Well, it doesn't hurt in the way that I go "ouch ouch Oh!" every second and I'm not taking any painkillers for it - probably wouldn't be a bad idea if only I could remember taking some!!

Where was I? Oh, pain. Yes, it's a weird kind of pain. If I get a bit chilly or goosebump-y it hurts, quite a bit. It really is like a burn. I guess the nerve endings are a bit messed up. I only wish it'll stop so I won't have it forever. That could happen, you know.

And I was sorta hoping to live the rest of my life pain-free - apart from the odd clumsy injury, that is...

+ I really wish I had bought something sweet and disgustingly unhealthy when I was in town today but alas...

32 going on 80 whilst neighing...

I have the joy of having been diagnosed with shingles (Baltros) which is something I thought you'd only get if you're 80 years old.

It's so not funny and it hurts/itches at the same time.

The Dr (not Boyfriend) I should try to relax and take it easy. And then she looked at Baby N and said -"Well, that's the theory anyway but not likely with a baby, is it?"

Nope, it isn't.

The tablets are this long [--------------] and this wide [---------] !! Last time I saw tablets this big was when I had horses...

Tonsillitis

it bloody well hurts

pity me.

Falling to bits

Sorry about all this complaining about not feeling well but I am seriously falling to bits. It's probably all down to being absolutely exhausted from not having slept properly for such a long time.

Before Baby N it was because it was uncomfortable with a big tummy, need to wee every 40 minutes, 'stress'/excitement waiting for labour to start. During labour - well, it was pretty darn impossible to sleep for 3 nights during contractions until I had had enough and asked for an epidural (best sleep I've ever had). After Baby N it's been nighttime feeds, expressing, worrying (is he breathing?/why does he sound like that?), and on it continues.

So, my body is most likely (like all other new mothers') running on empty and things are starting to say 'no' and at the moment it's not just the infection of the eye - which also became eyeS - but it's PAIN and ITCH - like no other pain/itch I've ever known and do you know where this infection is located?

Bet you can't figure it out so let me tell you that I'd rather go through all those horrible contractions, the emergency c-section, all the times I've fallen off horses and all injuries I've ever had combined than what I have at the moment. I have an infection in my breasts.

Yup, it's pain like I've never known before and it's about to get me a free admission to the loony-bin. I am under medication but it takes too long for it to work. So much for "Breast is Best". It's horrible and when it was at its worst I was begging Boyfriend to cut them off or at least let me tear the skin off. I've never ever felt such pain. and I hope none of you ever will.

Anyhow, enough of such cheerful banter... it's been a lovely day here and hopefully I'll feel a bit better tomorrow. And I have the cutest, sweetest baby (I know I'm biased) who's started to laugh and it's the best feeling in the world and the only thing that makes me forget the pain.

X

11 days ago

...since I gave birth to a healthy little (big) baby boy. My contractions started on the Tuesday and we went to hospital on Thursday evening. By Friday morning I'd had enough of the breathing-thing and asked for an epidural (gas & air was awful so did not use that). The epidural was the best thing ever - no more pain!! I could have run off with the guy who shoved the massive needle in my back but my legs stopped working...

at 4 pm on Friday the 16th of April - after some distress from the baby - the doctors decided that enough was enough and that I was not progressing enough. I had no idea that I was having 5 contractions every 10 minutes as I was totally unaware of any pain... but c-section it had to be so we were whisked away and at 4.58pm they pulled little N out of my tummy (it was a really weird/funny/interesting experience in the theatre - totally cool being awake) and Boyfriend sorted baby N out - cutting the cord etc - while I was stitched up again.

So 11 days and we've all been fine - I've had a short spout of the Baby Blues from being exhausted from not enough iron and the emergency op and trying to adjust being a mommy etc etc. Boyfriend has been fantastic and I could not have survived any of this without him. he's due back at work on Monday so I need to be able to get this under hand on my own... scary stuff but hey; I'm a mommy now and Mommies are awesome.

Posts may be (read 'will be') quite sporadic here until we've settled in and all that.

Cheers

Prude No More?

Isn't it odd how you can actually long for something you know will cause you immense pain? Am I perhaps into a bit of S&M or M&M or M&S or whatever the hell it is called? Am I?

It's all very strange to me.

Old Ladies

...should not be allowed out on the town between 11.00 and 14.00!

Is it not amazing how such tiny little things can take up SO much space? I tried thinking positively about how close to death they are so I should let them have some fun and take up space while they can but noooo, it did not work. I simply did not have any patience at all today and found myself gripping my umbrella in preparation for a "whack" on the head if one of them stepped out of line. I managed to restrain myself but it was too close for comfort.

I think I'd better stay away from the city centre and old ladies for a while.

Be Kind to Bumps

It's the final countdown, so to speak. Just 1 week left (7 days) until my due date! I know that most first-timers go over quite a bit but still. Baby could come now and no one would find it strange or surprising as baby is "done" and is just growing.

"The Bag" is still unpacked although everything has been laid out on the bed in the 2nd bedroom so it's just to actually pack it should I need to.

The past week has been tougher than previous weeks. My pelvic pain is horrendous at night and I get tired from walking short distances and this is highly annoying as I walk a lot.

I am also more ready for it to happen as I worry quite a bit since Baby is moving less 'in there' due to it being a bit cramped. But I did have a bit of a cry yesterday about giving birth as I start to dwell about what people have said about the size of my bump and how I'm going to have "a BIG baby". This does not help or is not funny as it could mean certain complications for Baby during birth -I'm not too bothered about myself - and Baby is my main concern and worry.

It's quite upsetting as even though my bump is big, I manage a lot better than a lot of others and it's actually not that big, it's more in the front than around. My midwife says that I'm tall - this is England, remember - and my baby will be a size that is good for me, my tummy is also full of amniotic fluid and that people really should learn to keep their mouths shut. I love her for saying that.

So please, if anyone of your friends has a big-ish bump and though it may be the biggest you've ever seen - don't get her upset about it, it's not her fault and giving birth can be quite stressful enough without comments like that, no matter how innocent and harmless they're meant to be.

I don't cry all that often so this is something that has been getting to me - a lot. I love Baby and cannot wait till I get to see him/her safe and in Boyfriend's or my arms.

Boing Boing Boing

Boyfriend came home with a 'gymnastic ball' last night and no, it was not a subtle way to tell me to get off my fat arse and lose weight - well, maybe but that wasn't the main reason - it's for me to sit and relax on and they're supposedly very good in labour and after.*

I must say that it was probably the first time in ages that I automatically sat correct, posture-wise etc. So if you ever get in my situation, get one of these suckers. Don't bother buying an expensive "maternity ball" as it's same shit, no difference apart from £30. And it makes a funny noise when you bounce it too!

You can't underestimate the magic of a good bounce.

*'in labour' because it takes pressure of 'things' which it wouldn't if you were on a chair. 'After' to sit on when/if Baby is crying as it will help you bounce/rock baby to sleep and of course, to start doing some exercise - althought you won't catch me doing those pull-ups with my feet on it - not for at least 1 week or so...

7 things about me

I've been tagged by one of my former students to list 7 things about myself so here goes...

1) I wanted to join the army when I, 3 weeks before the final tests and confirmation that I could join the infantry, broke my knee skiing so had to reconsider what to do after high school - I went to the US as an au-pair instead.

2) I actually liked most of the food that was served in high school, and I am picky.

3) I had a bit of an eating-issue when I was 22.5 years old. I weighed 48kg in June-01 and despite knowing that I was ill and how tired and listless I was at my worst, I sometimes wish I was 'there' again. Am also frightened to fall back into that trap again so I am not allowed to own a set of bathroom scales - I also eat more than I should, damn that co-living trap.

4) Sometimes I use youtube to listen to my secret pleasures that make me really happy. One of those ridiculous songs is 'The Ding Dong Song' By Gunther and the Sunshine Girls. (Saddo)

5) I would soooo have sex with Sandra Bullock if the opportunity arose. I am straight as a laser beam but sometimes those beams bend for the right person.*

6) I sometimes think about the stuff I'd do if Boyfriend did the nasty on me and I fear I may be a horrible person and the worst part is .... I think I would be a bit disappointed if I never got to do the whole revenge thing.

7) As of 25 minutes ago, I cannot stop thinking about fresh pineapple. The sweet and tangy juiciness in slice after slice after slice.

I won't tag anyone specifically, please tag yourselves if you fancy it.

*and obviously she'd need to be in on it too so not very likely but still...

Naive

I should so not have watched a
documentary about giving birth last night.

Oooh, the screaming!
The dilating!

crap!

Ka Pow!

And just as you think you can see light at the end of the tunnel of stress...

WHAM!

Something else hits you and you're pulled back and
you have to start all over again...

.

When will the stress and worry end?!

In Which It Is Up & Down

This stress I'm feeling at the moment is starting to stress me out.
How's that for ironic?!
Yesterday it almost got me but I managed to fend it off.
I didn't exactly "hit the wall"
but
I think I ran into the doorpost
and it scared me.
I had a little cry in the Ladies and then I felt better.
Sad? Yes!
Needed? Absolutely!

All I can do is try and laugh.
Ha ha ha.

Odd

I have the weirdest dreams

There is one that keeps coming back to me. Or rather, the place where it happens is the same but the stuff that happens changes from dream to dream.

~~~

I'm in a forest and it's not a forest I am familiar with.
In the latest dream I had to camp out in a tiny
wooden hut. Quite a flimsy little thing.

We're hiding from a bear. It's me, one of my old students,
a person I don't know and a dog.
All of a sudden there
is this almighty crash and a piece of the back wall disappears.
A huge bear appears in the whole and
grabs the dog.
But then it's no longer a dog. It is a girl/young woman
(ok, my age...)
I try to grab her hand and pull her away from the bear
and I keep hitting the bear
on the head to make it let go at the same time as I am
shielding my old student in case the bear goes for her.
The bear keeps its grip and doesn't seem bothered about
my attempts to scare it off.
The dog/girl is all quiet and all you can hear are my screams and sobs
and her head is now in the bear's jaws
and it keeps biting down and down and down
until the girl's skull
just cracks.
It's the most horrible sound I've ever heard.
it echoes around the quiet forest
The bear lets go and
runs off, back into the forest.
And all we can do is sit there and watch
and wait.

For nothing.

~~~~

I think we can all agree that I am
in need of
some HELP.

At least I'll be warm and cosy...

It's been too many cute and sickly sweet posts of late here and it's time to change that. Radically.

Boyfriend's grandmother died last week (Wednesday) and the funeral was yesterday (Monday) - they're really quick in getting them into the ground here. England is usually so slow with everything and it can take F O R E V E R to get anything sorted here (am not only thinking about our house purchase) but when it comes to death and funerals: Holy Cow! I don't know if I am to be impressed or shocked. Take your pick.

It was my first English funeral and it was a nice sombre service. I was eager to show off my knowledge when singing the hymn "The Lord is My Shepherd" as I know it very well from The Vicar of Dibley - a brilliant show - and I could barely contain my disappointment when the melody was totally, completely different. I admit I had a bit of a sulky moment which is a very selfish thing to have during a funeral. But never mind, it's not like I'll be going to heaven anyway as the Priest so kindly reminded us in the sermon that "only those who follow Jesus will enter heaven". Again, I was not showing a lot of respect as I looked as the Priest and thought "Fuck you!"

I am most certainly destined for purgatory/hell.

Here's the highlights of the weekend; the trip up was alright - just a bit of carsickness. The way back home, however, was slightly not so good. I was ready to be put into the ground by the time we were back home. I have never in my life been so ill for just being in a car. We had to stop for more than 1 hour at one point to let me breath in the fresh air. Feeling a bit better we set off again only to drive through an area where the very efficient farmer had spread manure on his fields. Very smelly manure.

Luckily I had a bag handy, as it was impossible to stop, and you can use your imagination as to what it was used for but moments like that should be spent in a bathroom where once dignity can be somewhat intact by kneeling in front of/hugging the loo alone. Ooooh -the shame.*


*see, selfish again. what is a bit of barf compared to being dead?