Vanity, Thy Name is Ems

Am in dire need of a pedicure or it will be no sandals/cute shoes all summer long. I may not have the post-pregnancy body of a celeb -- who, by now, would have been back to the pre-preggo state and even a bit slimmer -- but at least I can try to have pretty feet. My heals currently have cracks so big I could fall into them myself...

Last year's summer nail-polish was coral, does anyone know what the colour is this year? I have somehow missed that bit of advice.

Btw, I try not to get too political* on this blog but I feel it was very naughty** of Israel to board those ships while on International water. One can always hope someone in the UN slaps their fingers hard. Tut tut tut.

* I bet you didn't know that I spent a semester studying Political Anthropology. Am not a total airhead.

*Let's be honest, it's pretty shitty behaviour and totally out of order.

Anybody Home?

On our way back from town we stopped at the garage to fill up the tank and I stayed in the car while Boyfriend went inside to pay. This little garage is always really busy so I knew it would be a bit of a wait so I sat there and listened to the radio.

As I was quietly nodding along to Vanessa Carlton's hit from a couple of years ago (I can't remember the name but she only had one, right?) I looked towards the exit of the gas-station and saw our car leave and thought "Oh, Boyfriend's forgotten about me!"

A millisecond later I realised that I was in our car so it must have been someone else's car I saw leave... I've rarely felt as dumb as I did at 16.32 today.

Naive

I should so not have watched a
documentary about giving birth last night.

Oooh, the screaming!
The dilating!

crap!

In Which There's a 2nd Coming

No, Jesus is not back - as far as I know- but then I don't suppose I'm on his mailing list either so wouldn't be the first to know. Miss E's coming to town!!

Miss E was one of the girls I came to the UK with and I may have moved across but Miss E has not been back to this particular city since December -00. She won't get here until next Friday so I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here but we'll go shopping and do all kinds of stuff. It'll be great.

This city has changed so much since -00 and as I've seen those changes bit by bit, I probably don't "see" it. If you know what I mean. But the city isn't the only thing that's changed - so have I. I'm a bit softer*, nicer and ... older. There won't be any staying out all night with strange boys and coming back to the flat for a telling off by the other girls. And it's not because I'm with Boyfriend - it'd most likely be borderline creepy if I did - I'm a woman in her 30's now. It'd would be wrong to hook up with a not yet 19 year old... Christ almighty. I am old!

Oh well, that's what youth is for and the rest of the life is to look back and either go "Awwww" or "Eeeewww". I'm not sure what Uni here is for Miss E though but I am definitely hoping this time it'll be "Awww". And how can it not be? We're older, got better taste in a lot of things and as we're working we can spend loads more money on shopping without having to live on noodles and water for the rest of the month. Yeah, growing older is gooooooood!



*Not just in temper but also in body. Yuck.

A in Geography - not so much

Just booked our holiday in September... After almost booking to go to Corsica we decided to skip the island where Napoleon was born and instead head to Tuscany in Italy. I'm happier with that as it is actually warmer than Corsica - according to average temperature charts.

Anyway, our hotel is close to Lucca, Pisa and Florens which I felt was a bit odd as I thought that they were further north... and then I saw a map over Italy and realised that I have imagined Tuscany to be in the south of Italy. It is not...

It is in fact exactly where I thought [knew] Pisa and Florens are! Whadd'ya know? I did not....

And How Was Your Day?

So it's been nearly a week since the hen-weekend and my bruises are beginning to fade into a more yellow-ish colour. Although there are still parts of my hip/arse that still are more red/purple than blue/yellow and I am yet to be able to lie on my left side and sleep, which just so happens to be the side I need to sleep on.

Anyho, last weekend was so much fun and I know, I know that falling down stairs isn't much fun (I sure as hell wasn't laughing) but you have to take the good with the bad or however the saying goes.

So, saturday was a spa day and I had a nice manicure and an eyebrow shape and I stopped at that as it was a pricey place to be in. £10 for a glass of wine! In the evening we went out to the bride-to-be's favourite club and that's when it happened.

No, I was not sober but I was far from being drunk. I was merely "happy-tipsy" and towards the end of the night I needed to go to the loo - it happens - and the floor in there was wet from a burst pipe or something and though it wasn't flooded, it was enough for my shoes to go from new-shoes-slippery to wet-new-shoes-slippery which is sooo bad when going down stairs.

The next thing I knew, I was on my hip at the bottom of the stairs and my left shoe had swoooshed through the air to the end of the hall. My dress was, luckily, not around my waist and even if it had been it'd been ok as I was wearing sensible yet sexy underwear. Yeay for me!!

"A" rushed down to hug me asking "you ok?" and I went "uh, no!" and then I started feeling sick from the pain so I ran/hobbled/Quasimodo-walked into a dark corner, slumped down behind one of the booths trying not be sick from pain (not drink) and failed miserably.

"Oh dear", you all say "now she'll tell us how she got thrown out of the club for throwing up!" and I'll go and say "Nahaaa, so wasn't!" Never have been and it simply will not happen as I am not a drunk-thrower-upper!! We had, thank God, been equipped with pretty glittery, purple cowboyhats. We were, after all, a bunch of girls out on a hen-party! And these hats served very well as fancy club-kind of-kidney bowls. After the pain had subsided a little and I'd had about 20 mints (from my handbag - loooads of adult points there) I was back on the dancefloor, in my shoes! I won't let a fall with no broken bones stop me from dancing the night away -ok, so I was a liiiiittle bit drunk - but I have been paying for it ever since...

Not that my arse is a pretty sight anyways but it's positively revolting at the mo. But. Boyfriend seems to find it fascinating and checks it every day for healing-progress (it must be the Dr in him) and the other night he cheerfully declared that it gets a different colour if you lick it!

Don't ask!

On the Edge

I don't know all the reasons why but I am stressed to the bones. My pulse is racing as if I'd tried to outrun Sanna Kallur and that's if I'm sitting down! I have stress eczema that itch, I'm unable to sleep well - even when there's no full moon and my tummy hurts all the time.

But - I'll be going away this weekend for a couple of days here and I can't wait for some lounging by the pool. However, thinking of myself in a bikini - eeeek! - basically equals even more stress but I'll try to block that bit out and hopefully other people will do the same..

I'll also go for a short stint in the sauna and pay a visit to the steam room... and when I've done all that I'll be going for a walk around the grounds and pretending I'm in a novel by Jane Austen. I will not say which but Mr Darcy is more than welcome to sweep me off my feet.

Then, there will be some sampling of Leeds' nightlife and hopefully that means lots and lots of dancing, wearing this - and as the dentist-bride-to-be is as dance crazy as me - I guess I just might get my yearly quota of dancing, if only my toe stops hurting when I'm in my 3 and 4 inch heels... I simply will not wear flats for more reasons than this one!

The boys are heading off to some Baltic country where strippers, hookers, pub crawls and AK-47s are on the agenda. Boyfriend is unable to get time off work and as upsetting as that is - it gives me one less thing to stress about as I know just what kind of sex-maniacs the dentists are and most of the boys going will be just that!

Well, never mind about some Baltic country stag-do. I'll be having a great time with the girls and by God, there will be some serious cocktail drinking or tiny glass of sherry with Mr Darcy. Yum Yum Yum!

Senior Moments - All Day Long

I'm so not cut out for this job...

2 hours into the day, my Buddy asks me how I spell my last name. I go "eh. wait! I think... Oh, I know it so well..." This remarkably intelligent response is greeted with questioning look whereupn I think "Fuuuuuuck. Didn't even get that one right!"

Last hour of day - I'm to answer my own calls with Buddy listening in and ready to help if needed. Poor girl, she didn't know what sort of new co-worker she's been placed with. We sat and waited for a while and suddenly there was a "Beep Beep", which means a call has been put through. And I go:

"..................!"

Buddy frantically mouthed the greeting phrase but there were no wires connected in my brain today and so I giggled a little before I got my composure back and finally.... "Xxxx Xxx. Ems Speaking. How may I help?"

And from there on I clung on to Buddy like a love sick un-neutered dog hangs on for dear life to a suitable leg. I don't ever want to sit more than 2 feet away from Buddy.

Maybe it'll help if I pretend to be a really cool, confident performer with a headset? Who shall I pretend to be? Since I'm already displaying Alzheimer's Light, I might as well continue on the oldie parade; "That Liberace is a good looking fellow. So manly and sexy and all...."

A Bit Too Vocal

I sat in the training room today for the last time (YEAY!) and we were doing some seriously boring stuff and after a while I started to "zone out" until D looked at me and smiled and I realised that I had been singing a song from the Wedding Singer - or a rather specific part of the song:

...somebody kill me please! Somebody kiiill me pleeease! I'm on my knees - pretty pretty pleease! I want to diiie! Put a bullet in my heeeeeaad!

I don't think I'll get a promotion this week either...

A Conflict of Interests

Boyfriend insisted on watching a program about a Brazilian music movement during the 60's -and I was like; "Oh. My. God! I. Cannot. Believe. This!" So, to the computer I went.

3 minutes ago he called for me; "Hey Ems! You gotta come watch this!" He had the kind of tone in his voice that tells you something's up and I thought; "Maybe he's watching the news and something's happened?"

Yeah. Right. My Boyfriend watching the News?!

He wanted me to see Pelé play the guitar... apparently he is a singer/songwriter too.

Good for him but do I give a shit?

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and The Lucky

The Good:
I am - or my nose is - no longer as blocked up as I - it - was 3 days ago.

The Bad:
I have been snacking all day and I am still hungry.

The Ugly:
Me - trying on a pair of jeans. Or rather trying to get out off them without ripping down the curtain and landing bare-arsed (knickers slid off at the same time as the jeans) in the middle of the changing room.

The Lucky:
I was alone in the changing room...

Getting to know me

So - I've lived here for more than a year now. It's been a year full of new experiences - some good, some bad but all very educational in my lifelong task of getting to know me.

I got a job that turned out to be absolutely s***! I've made so many faux-pas that I can't even be bothered to blush anymore. Asking a guy going into the army if there was to be a lot of "spit and polish" might not be the right thing to ask - even though I was referring to his rather scruffy shoes! All these sexual innuendos is getting to me, not only am I a foreigner - I am a blonde as well!!

Since I'm very poor on the animal front here, which is something I've never experienced before, I've had to come up with different things to keep myself busy. No, not the gym. I know I should have but never sort of had the "time". Erm... Anyway, things to keep myself busy:

yes, I've started to cross-stitch! Those who know me are probably choking on their tongues at this very moment but I don't care! Choke all you like but x-stitching has made me discover that I have patience and am actually able to sit down and count, thread, sew, and put it back neatly after I'm done and without a single foul-mouthed outburst and things have stayed put without being thrown across the room. Not even a little itty bit of stomping has occurred.

Are you not impressed? I sure as hell am!

I'm not very fast and the back of it isn't as neat as it should be but I am sticking to it! I've already finished one and am onto my 2nd one. I'd hoped for it to be finished by x-mas as it's kind of a "Christmassy" motif but never mind - there'll, hopefully, be more Christmases.

I've scanned the picture for you to see what a good girl I am nowadays. I had plans on making the picture so that you'd just get the pattern but the stupid, stupid program didn't do what i wanted it to so I had a strop and almost threw the computer over the balcony rails. So you'll have to make do with what I have.

Hmmm - maybe not so much patience after all...

The clothes forgive him

I have the best Boyfriend ever!! He came home really late last night which wouldn't have bothered me one bit if it hadn't been for the fact that he didn't have a key so I had to get up and "buzz" him in. I'm not really a very nice person if I'm woken up in the middle of the night. I was a bit sulky as I for sure thought that he would refuse to get up and go shopping with me and stay in bed until it was time for the movie he wanted to go and see. But he got up at 9 - no complaint, no nudging from me. He did it all by himself!! Such a good boy!

To continue with how nice he is: he did not complain for a second over the fact that I spent ages in the dressing room and even went to get a skirt in a smaller (YES!) size. And then - he bought it all for me!!!

Hey, wait a minute! He did all that without complaining and he bought me lots of clothes!? Hmmm something isn't right here. He went out last night to a student night with lots of drunken freshers! Shit!

God, I must be the dumbest person ever....! He'll feel the wrath of Ems as soon as he gets back... and he's got some 'splainin' to do... ;)

Anyway, maybe he was just super nice today and I got 2 skirts, 2 tops from Kookai and they're looovely!

A moment in the life of Ems

It's a Friday. It's a fairly warm day for being in October (remember that I am a Swede) so I decided to go for a walk into town. On my way I popped into Boyfriend's no. 1 hate store; 99P (everything costs 99 pence). It's a bit messy but it so happens that they sell the best shampoo I've ever used and similar stuff costs at least £10 in regular stores + you can find odd bits that are quite nice.

They've started to sell some Christmas stuff and I had a look around and found a pack of 5 paper giftbags with old-fashioned Christmas motifs and I simply had to buy them. I turned around to get into a better position so I wouldn't have to break my back to reach. And.....

PLOP!

The PLOP! told me that it wasn't anything fragile as that would have been a CRASH! I looked back to see what it was that I had knocked over.

Oh no. I wish it had been a CRASH! as that would just have been a case of sweeping up the pieces and that would have been it. The PLOP! was a little soft plastic container with a lid that was not "securely fastened". And this little soft plastic container contained "artificial snow with iridescent stars".

All over the fuggin' floor!

Lot's of artificial snow E V E R Y W H E R E! I could not help but stand there in complete fascination over the fact that such a tiny container could store such a huge amount of snow.

Oops? Sorry? Embarrassing?

Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!

I know when to stop. I did not go into town. I walked back home.

A reflection on trousers and today's interview

So - went to my interview. I walked there as it's really close to where we live. As always there's a bit of apprehension beforehand and I was a bit worried about the dress-code. "Office" said the guy at the agency. "Office?" Hmm, I thought. A pair of pin striped trousers (slimming), a pink top under a black cardigan and a black pair of wedged shoes. "That should be ok" and Boyfriend agreed last night so that's what I wore.

I sat in the foyer watching quite a few men walking past immaculately dressed in suits. You could have cut bread on the sharpness of the creases on their freshly pressed trousers. "Shit!" I was staring to think I was totally inappropriately dressed when a few young guys walked past in jeans and t-shirts. "What is the dress-code here, really?" I was starting to be seriously confused when a man with the most hideous mullet walked past. Let me tell you something; the mullet was the best thing about that man. He had - I swear to God - navy blue women's trousers on!

You know, the ones that get quite tight around the ankles and gives a very unflattering arse on anyone! Even the supermodel of supermodels would have looked bad in those trousers. You could also tell that they were of that itchy, clingy kind of polyester and to top it all off, they ended 2 inches above his ankles!

I had to grab hold of the couch in order to stop myself from running after him and begging him to walk around in his y-fronts (I just know that y-fromts would be the underwear of his choice) rather than wearing those trousers. But I didn't run after him and calmly reflectd on how nice it must be to have no clue whatsoever and therefore not worry about such a mundane thing as clothing. At least he's not walking around naked and he's not cold so clothes as clothes... or??

Anyway, the interview was ok. A bit of a repetition of all the forms I spent last night filling in. I hope I did ok. I need to do something or I will end up wearing the itchy, clingy, navy blue polyester trousers that ends 2 inches above my ankles.... I fear I'm not too far off, really.

Yikes!

Just got back from my job assessment. I did not expect the assessment to be so hard core! We had 4 tests to do. 1 was grammar and spelling, 1 was similar (can't remember), 1 was numbers and the last was "attention to detail". And you had 6 minutes on each test.

Oh My Fuggin' God!

The maths.... 2 pages of different problems to sum up in your head. Let me give you an example;

48 x 17 /13 = ?

Maths was never my forte anyway and it's been ages since I had to do them in my head. I'm sure I could have figured it out but that might not have been any time left for the others. So I just focused on the ones I could be bothered with.

Calculators were invented for a reason, People! I'm sure even the Greek mathematician Euclid would have used one had they been invented...

Anyway, I did my best and I think/hope I did ok on the other parts. If not, then I'll have to try something else. At the end of the day it's just a stupid test that made me feel stupid. Oh well, it's not the first time that's happened.

A case of 'old remedy'

I was feeling a bit low when standing in the check-out line at Co-op. There
was a lady in front of me, in her late 70's, and she was, despite the
warm weather, wearing a grey trench-coat that looked about 3 sizes to big
on her tiny fragile frame. I could almost see her knees buckle from the weight of the coat.
Her grey hair was rolled up into tiny little curls with an obvious hint of blue and
it looked as if it she'd just had it done.
And... she was loudly singing along to Maroon 5's "This Love"!

I walked home with a huge smile on my face and bless the old lady, she made my day!

So not cool..

So, why do I find things to say when I'm arguing with middle-aged women/men about books and packages but get tongue tied when a cute (oh so cute!) guy asks me something?

I was standing by the mailboxes, looking through the mail (CDs) when a guys enters the foyer and bends down to open his mailbox. Then he looks up at me and says -

Cute Guy: You smell really nice!
Me: Huh? Sorry?
Cute Guy: You smell really nice. What are you wearing?
Me (thinking): OMG! what-the-fug-did-I-spray-on? I've-gotta-say-something-now-or-he'll-think-I'm-a-total-retard. Uh oh! Time-to-say-something-is-almost-up-before-it's-too-late-to-sound-somewhat- normal. Ok.
Me: Oh, thanks! It's Donna Karan. DKNY. The apple. Well, it's not called 'the apple' but it looks like an apple. The Green one. Not the red.
Cute Guy: Oh. Great! Cheers!
Me: Cheers!
(thinking): Urgh! that was sooo un-cool. So unprepared for this. When did he move in? He'll probably buy it for his girlfriend anyway. Shit. Oh well, maybe I'll never see him again. But he was sooo cute! Since when do I sound and think like a 14 year old? Great. Ems, you idiot!

Yup, and if you didn't know it; Cool is soooo not my middle name!

(Why don't I just find myself a tree, climb up it
and never come down again?)

I've never forgotten to finish a book - until now

I'm on a bit of a cleaning spree and it was duly needed! So - I'm on all fours trying to see what the heck I've got shoved under the bed on my side. "Hmmm - do I really have this much junk?" Yep, apparently I do! I have loads of books under there, stacked in piles in no particular order and I come across a book that I have no recollection of buying nor reading! And there's a bookmark in it that indicates that not only have I bought it, I've read a bit of it too. And I can't remember a thing. It looks good so I know why I would have bought it. I thought for a second that I remembered reading it on the train back from Leeds but that was another one (Amy's Honeymoon). So I'm really at a loss here.

Have to get all the cleaning done so I can start over and next time I'll juts keep the unread books in a separate pile.

Aaaaand Striiiike!

Had another go on the Wii bowling. We set it all up and I said: "All right, I'll start cos I really need to pee so I'll go when you're bowling..."

I aim. I raise my arme. Press the B-button. Take back my arm and move forward and....

"Fuuuuug!!! Ooooowww!"

Strike!

"YES! Owwww! My arse! My arse! MY ARSE!!!!!" *clutching the right buttock*

I cried and laughed at the same time and then had to hobble out to the bathroom to make sure I wouldn't wet myself...

Yup - did it again! I sprained my arse and this time it's really, really painful!