37+1 and a 3yr old

Holy Crap on A Cracker - it's getting really close now and I am kind of both dreading it and willing time to go faster.

I'm dreading it because the thought of having a baby [again] scares the beejezus out of me but I'm willing time to go faster because I really, really want to meet our new family member. Saying that though, I really don't want to go into labour before my date for c-section because I have not even prepared myself mentally for "that" bit this time.

Anyhow, I'm at that stage when I am tired ALL the time. Walking up the hill from nursery is like my very own "North Side" of Mount Everest - or whichever trail that's the toughest one. I'm still very stubborn though so I hate having to take a minute and rest because that would be embarrassing ,which is a stupid thing to think as there are far more non-pregnant, younger and fitter people who stop for a breather there. But I don't and so when I get home I literally zonk out on the sofa for a while and try to muster enough energy to eat something healthy but more often than not, I fail.

Baby has had me/us scared/worried a couple of times. It has been very naughty with its movements and pattern of movement and sometimes it goes all "quiet and still" in there. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned this when I was pregnant with N but I have a massive fear of that stupid stupid umbilical cord and that it'll get all tangled up and deprive baby of oxygen. So the midwife has referred me to the hospital a couple of times to be monitored and it's turned out to be ok but it doesn't make me feel any better when I just wait for a bum, elbow, foot, knee or whatever to poke me hard enough to make me breathless. Toddler N has helped me "jiggle" my tummy to wake Baby up and N finds it hilarious and calls it my "Jelly Wobbly Tummy" which is very sweet. If anyone else said it, they'd sport a black eye for a week or so.

I also find it to be very cumbersome to try out for maternity/nursing bras. GOD ALMIGHTY, is it so freakishly difficult to get it right?? And I go to have myself measured and everything but the selection is atrociously bad. "Would you like lace?" NO - I sure as hell don't want lace because a) it shows through on t-shirts, light tops etc. and I hate seeing the seems through my tops. b) Lace? Are you frigging kidding me? Yeah, that'll be sooo nice on possibly sore nipples so no, thank you. I want a comfy t-shirt bra. Bras that don't have cutesy little bows, dots, birds, butterflies and come in pink, blue, green. What is WRONG with normal colours like black, white and beige/nude so it feels a little bit normal and you don't have to wear black tops to make sure the terrible pattern wont show trough? And why can't sizes be the same in all stores?! I despair.

Anyhow, that's my rant about bras. I have to go for another fitting next week and I'm already hating it.

One thing that really makes me laugh and enjoy this time is N (and Husband). N is so funny at the moment, and you can have proper little conversations with him and he has got an awesome sense of humour. It also means, however, that I have to be careful what I say and tell him because his memory is amazing and he can repeat and recall things that were said/done ages ago.

Yesterday morning he melted my heart and I to say I had tears in my eyes would not be an exaggeration. I should explain that every night when he goes to bed and every time we say good bye I tell him "I love you forever and Always - Jag Alskar dig for evigt och alltid" and I have done since he was a very little baby. It became our ritual. So yesterday morning we snuggled up in our bed. Husband was snoozing away but N and I had a proper cuddle with rubbing noses and asking each other "did you sleep well? I slept well, thank you!" and then we had a tiny quiet moment and he whispered "I love you forever and always!"

And there are no words to express or explain how I felt and feel about that little sentence so I wont even try.

I know some cure cancer and make great discoveries etc and it'd be awesome to have that kind of achievement but I don't need it. Husband and I have the bestest little boy in the world and as long as all goes well, we'll be expanding our family very soon and I won't ask for anything else. I'm happy just the way we are.