Sunday, 11 December 2011

Posting "Going Postal"?

... Hmmm. Yes. If I actually end up posting today's post rather than deleting it then you'll probably have me down as schizo or lifting the phone to call Soc Services or something one or another. But here goes.

The truth is that it is not always as [sickly] sweet thing to be a mom as I probably made it out to be in the previous post. I love a cuddle with my Toddler N and he's IS the best thing to ever have happened to me.


he is now in a stage of total mommy-ishness, separation anxiety and clingy-ness and as much as I love him - it sometimes drives me totally and utterly insane! It's not enough that he can see me almost every second of his awake life. He must now touch and tug at me. The W H O L E time!

And when that is not enough - he wants to be carried. E V E R Y W H E R E! It's not enough to sit in a shopping trolly where he can hold my hand while I push it. No no no. Mommy must carry. If mommy does not carry - meltdown worthy a nuclear power plant shutdown is imminent. Mommy is getting tired of those meltdowns. Mommy does not want to have too much body contact after one of those days so Husband goes without. And I'm not even apologising for cutting him down. "Touch me and I'll scream..."

When he (Toddler N) comes in to our bed in the morning [middle of the night] he want to lie across my face, he tugs at my hair if my head is turned away from him. He forcibly turns it for me by pulling my nose. Yes, it's sort of funny but not at 3 am.

Yes, Gina Ford (bitch) says to let them be. Let them cry. To avoid eye contact. No touching. They'll learn. And I am sure they will. Like the children in the Romanian orphanages that were broadcast to the west in the 80's, early 90's. Sitting quiet in their cots because they've learnt that no one comes anyway. Dead eyes. Learning difficulties. Yup. They'll learn alright.

Of course, they are polar opposites. there is a middle ground - somewhere. But it's very hard [impossible?] to find that perfect solution. It breaks my heart. My soul, my whole being shatters when I hear that piercing scream. So I falter. I take him into our bed, in the middle of the night. When I should have sat myself down next to his cot and patted him back to sleep. I know. I'm digging my own grave.

Because, as close to losing my sanity as I currently am. I am also responsible for Toddler N's upbringing, physical and mental. I can lose my mental health. That's fine. I am an adult. But I cannot have N know anything other than "Mommy loves me, at all times" and "Mommy comes back for me, every time".

He'll grow out of it, it is a phase. I hope! Husband is a great help, making sure I get time to myself. Christmas wreath making yesterday and a massage on Wednesday. N will not suffer. He will get to spend that time with the world's best daddy so we're all winners.

Weirdly enough - I could not be happier. Truly.

I think I need to publish this, if not to shatter the illusion of how perfect parenthood is but to remind myself that it is pretty darn close and the imperfections make it even better. or something like that.

Maybe I'll lose my Sanity tomorrow instead.


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