Sitting Quietly in a Corner

I have friends who are having difficulties in conceiving and who have tried for years, everything to get pregnant. And I feel guilty. Guilty for being so happy when they're so upset. I can feel their pain because I cannot imagine not getting "this" - I would probably go crazy with bitterness.

I feel guilty to such an extent that I couldn't tell one couple as Mrs is so upset about seeing/knowing about pregnant women. Boyfriend had to tell Mr so that he could let her know when they were on their own so she could get some time before she saw us. It's still awkward when I hear her talk about how annoying it is when yet "another one" is pregnant whereas she isn't. So I sit there with my massive bump feeling like a turd in a cake shop. I try to tone down my giddiness and joy as to not cause her any more distress but it's hard.

Another one of my friends from home is going though IVF and I just couldn't e-mail her to say "Guess what?" when I know how much she is hurting and did not want to upset her even though I know she'd be happy for me. She knows and has been nice about it but again, I know she's struggling because I would too if it was role reverse.

So I feel guilty for being happy and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty (are you with me?) because I am happy despite their unhappiness and I don't want my baby to sense my feelings of guilt - I love my baby and I want him/her to feel it at all times but I also don't want to rub it in their faces.

I don't know - it's so difficult to explain and I don't like feeling unhappy about my happiness but there are times when it is really awkward. I just really don't want to cause anyone else unhappiness with something that makes me so happy.

It's the strangest thing I've ever experienced - I don't know if I managed to explain it at all but here it is: My happiness hurt other people and it makes me sad which I don't want Baby to feel.

I'm just going to post this as I fear I'll just delete it if I read it again....