In and Under the Bed With Ems

I sometimes ponder over the impact of things, or objects rather than things, and how our perception of an object can change from one moment to another. Or even how an object changes size from day to day. My arse is one of those things but I'll leave that for some other time and this time I'll stick to -

Our bed. I don't know what size it is apart from not being a King Size, maybe it is a Queen sized bed. It's a lot bigger than the one I have at home and fair enough - there's two of us now for which it caters exceptionally well. But sometimes it feels awfully small. Such instances are for example;

1) when Boyfriend's been out drinking with his mates and he comes home, falls asleep and somehow physically manages to snore in a way that makes you think you're sleeping with an ogre or a horrible, snarling, snotty orc. God, how I hate the "beer-snore"! On the other hand, it leaves me somewhat entertained in coming up with painful ways to make him roll over to his side. If you want a reliable trick: the nipple-pinch works a treat to get them to move and hopefully they won't remember it i the morning!

moving on...

2) when Boyfriend's sleeping heavily (without beer) and moves closer onto my side - for whatever reason - and I end up balancing on the edge of the bed at the same time as trying to move my pillow away from his reach so he can't drool on it. He's quite the drooler and I have therefore had to mark my pillow so I won't use his. Eurgh! He really ought to see someone about that.

But then there are moments when I feel the bed is way too big and those moments can be; 1) when Boyfriend's working nights and I'm left all alone in that huge bed. 2) when I'm standing before the task (as I will be tomorrow) of tidying up under it!

The space! I am acutely aware of the fact that I've been doing the kind of cleaning - usually before Boyfriend's parents are to visit - where you just kick loads of s*** under the bed and makes sure that the bedspread covers the gap between the bed and the floor. It's a type of cleaning I excel at.

The amount of junk that I'll find there is almost too unbearable to think of. I might have to have Boyfriend on call to send out a rescue team. Imagine the filth, dust and God only knows what else is rotting away under there! Sadly, it has to be done and I've appointed tomorrow to be The Day.

Pray for my safe return...

As 2007 comes to an end...

Tag yourself - or not.

1) Where did you begin 2007?

At a private party and in amazement as Boyfriend and T screamed out the local football team's supporter songs from the balcony. I later woke him up "singing" the exact same songs and he was - let's say - mildly embarrassed.

2) What was your status by Valentine’s Day?

Most likely crying my eyes out from the crappy job I had.

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?

That was what I was doing in February and I quit.

4) How did you earn your money?

Selling my soul working at the school. Am now earning money from a non-crying kind of job and sleeping around with random strangers.

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?

Yup, but only to come with Boyfriend for his pay cheque and I then decided never to get ill as it was last modernised in the Victorian era (and that is not an exaggeration)

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?

Only to get a closer look/sniff of the horses.

7) Where did you travel this year?

Home (South of Sweden), östersund, Cape Verde (Sal) and within the UK

8) What did you purchase that was over $1,000?

Not much if it's for 1 thing only.

9) Did you know anybody who got married?

None that I was invited to.

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?

Only celebrities and some friends' pets...

11) Biggest surprise?

That Boyfriend have started talking about having babies and I'm so not there just yet.

12) Did you move anywhere?

I'm done moving for a while - at least not anywhere far away.

13) What concerts/shows did you go to?

Lots of various gigs as Boyfriend's +1.

14) Are you registered to vote?

Yes, Boyfriend sorted it out but I think he regrets it as I'll probably vote for the other guy...

15) Who did you want to win Dancing with the Stars?

I don’t watch that shit.

16) Where do you live now?

Sheffield, UK

17) Describe your birthday?

Let's just say that Boyfriend was in serious trouble for a while.

18) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?

Work in the same business as my sister.

19) What has been your favorite moment?

Going home is always a favourite and our holiday in Cape Verde despite the food poisoning.

20) What's something you learned about yourself?

I’m enjoying my new professional path albeit one that I never would have thought of 1 year ago.

21) Any new additions to your family?

Boyfriend's sister got a tiny tiny baby

22) What was your best month?

Lots of them. I've had a pretty fantastic year. Summer in Sweden was fan-bloody-tastic with lots of sun and not much rain - as opposed to here...

23) What music will you remember 2007 by?

Neko Case, Camera Obscura (might be "old" but they were new to me)

24) Who has been your best drinking buddy?

"H" at my new job - it might have been only once but: God, it was fun!

25) Favourite night out?

Jabu - it doesn't matter if it's with friends or just Boyfriend and I.

Happy Belated Holidays!

I hope you all had a nice few days together with family and friends. MY x-mas was really nice even though I missed the ham, salmon, green cabbage, prinskorvar and meatballs a little bit but having turkey was different. Not bad though. Anyway, it's back to work tomorrow and I don't really fancy it at all but when you gotta go - you gotta go...

I did not look exactly like this when opening my presents although I bet Boyfriend wished I did...

At least I'll be warm and cosy in hell

Christmas is the time of giving and an excellent opportunity in trying not to be a selfish cow.

I've bought the Big Issue - hard to say no when you've just spent x-amount on interior decorating magazines - and I've chosen some fair trade presents etc. All in all I would say that I was on a good run of becoming a Golden Child in the run up for Christmas spirit.

Until yesterday.

We stepped into a shop in search for a present for Boyfriend's sister's partner (confused? So am I). After a quick look around we realised that they didn't have what we were after so we headed back towards the escalators. And. Then. I. Saw. IT!

So pretty! So I bought it. I don't really need it as in "I'm naked and haven't got anything to put on which means I'm freezing my tail off" kind of need. But I needed it in an all together different way; I just knew it would make me happy and a better person at the same time + it was half price even though half price was more than what I would have paid for it but it somehow justified me buying it.

I'll find a charity-person with a bucket today and toss in some money. Hopefully that'll take me back up to the top of the unselfish-person list. I hope. But to be completely honest, I'm not really sure I care anyway. The coat is friggin' lovely!

A Pickle? Or Pick A Nose?

I had an argument today with a girl in Subway. Or not really an argument as much as a difference of opinions. The girl said I could not have extra olives or chillies on my 6" Veggie Delite without paying extra and I said it shouldn't make a difference as I didn't want 1) tomatoes 2) red onion and 3) green pepper so those three ingredients ought to outweigh the 2 I wanted a little more of.

But nooooo! "If you want extra you have to pay 20 pence per item - just like you do if you want extra slices of cheese!" And I said that there was no sense in that what so ever if I opted out of a few ingredients.

As this conversation takes place the girl wipes her nose with the back of her hand and then grabs a handful of salad to put on my sandwich!

I can't remember exactly what I said or how loud I said it but the words "filthy", "disgusting" and "unbelievable" were probably said out loud.

The Lady behind me gasped in horror while clutching her leather gloves to her mink-coated chest - she then looked at me and said "Well done!" before heading towards the door. Without her sandwich. The manager ran towards us and pushed the girl out of the way and asked me what she could help me with and I said truthfully;

I would like a Veggie Delite with extra olives and chilles but no tomatoes, onions, green peppers or snot. Please.

Sadly, I could not taste the sweet victory on my sandwich so most of it ended up in a bin and it'll be a while before (if ever) I head back to Subway...

Breeding

Everyone I know seems to have a baby on the go unless they've already had a couple squeezed out.

Does this mean I am a grown up now? Must I have one too? I had my heart set on a dachshund...

Senior Moments - All Day Long

I'm so not cut out for this job...

2 hours into the day, my Buddy asks me how I spell my last name. I go "eh. wait! I think... Oh, I know it so well..." This remarkably intelligent response is greeted with questioning look whereupn I think "Fuuuuuuck. Didn't even get that one right!"

Last hour of day - I'm to answer my own calls with Buddy listening in and ready to help if needed. Poor girl, she didn't know what sort of new co-worker she's been placed with. We sat and waited for a while and suddenly there was a "Beep Beep", which means a call has been put through. And I go:

"..................!"

Buddy frantically mouthed the greeting phrase but there were no wires connected in my brain today and so I giggled a little before I got my composure back and finally.... "Xxxx Xxx. Ems Speaking. How may I help?"

And from there on I clung on to Buddy like a love sick un-neutered dog hangs on for dear life to a suitable leg. I don't ever want to sit more than 2 feet away from Buddy.

Maybe it'll help if I pretend to be a really cool, confident performer with a headset? Who shall I pretend to be? Since I'm already displaying Alzheimer's Light, I might as well continue on the oldie parade; "That Liberace is a good looking fellow. So manly and sexy and all...."

Dreams of Silver and Snow

There's no snow in this ***** country and it's not even below freezing but still it feels as if I should be able to skate down the River. However, I don't think the ducks and the goose (there's only one goose) would be too happy as I'd create an almighty splash. But if there had been ice on the river - and thick enough - I'm sure I would have looked something like this:



... or not.

"Poor Baby", she says while laughing wickedly!

It's Boyfriend's "office" X-mas party tonight and I received this text from him just a little while ago:

"I've been kidnapped by Dr xx! He's really drunk and has dragged me to a club in xyz. We're in the oldies part. It's horrible. I feel 40 and I want to come home!"

Boyfriend was so certain about it not being too late a night as "they're all family people so will want to have a nice day tomorrow..." Absolutely brilliant!

A Bit Too Vocal

I sat in the training room today for the last time (YEAY!) and we were doing some seriously boring stuff and after a while I started to "zone out" until D looked at me and smiled and I realised that I had been singing a song from the Wedding Singer - or a rather specific part of the song:

...somebody kill me please! Somebody kiiill me pleeease! I'm on my knees - pretty pretty pleease! I want to diiie! Put a bullet in my heeeeeaad!

I don't think I'll get a promotion this week either...

I fancy a good laugh!

Can someone please indulge me?

ditten och datten

My mom came to visit over the weekend and it was absolutely great to see her again. sadly, dad couldn't make it but will come next time. Mom brought loads of Swedish treats and pretty, pretty stars to put up in the windows so that I too can have a bit of Swedish x-mas decorations. We now have the best looking flat in all of Sheffield. I'll post some pictures later on.

Other than that - still doing training and will go to "proper" workplace next week when it'll be nice and easy as it's coming on x-mas. What's shit though is that I have to work on x-mas eve - or half of it - and then we'll drive up to David's parents and celebrate x-mas day with them and his sister and her partner and their week old baby.

Apparently the sister's partner is really into organic food and have ordered an organic bred turkey of 20 pounds for x-mas dinner. I can't wait to see how the hell he'll manage to get that into Boyfriend's mom's oven. That'll be fun; "cut it in half..."

Am I mean?

It's a Man's world...

... but only a woman can do certain jobs!

Boyfriend volunteered to stop by the shopping centre and pick out a new duvet cover set as he finishes earlier on Wednesdays. The minute I stepped out of the building, my phone rang (I had 3 missed calls).

Boyfriend: Hi. Ems, I'm here now and I don't know which ones to pick.
Me: Hi. What have you found?
B/f: So many! *slight panic in voice*
Me: What do they look like?
B/f: God, I'm a bit stressed about this actually. I have one set that's not 100% cotton.
Me: Ok...
B/f: It's only 50% cotton and the rest is polyester. I can't sleep on that! It'll itch!
Me: Ok - have you found any that are 100% cotton.
B/f: Mmmm... but it's pink! *panic increases*
Me: Do they have any other sets? Don't forget you need to buy a sheet as well.
B/f: Ooooh!

The conversation went on and I could just picture him in the store, surrounded by fabric and frilly stuff, getting more and more red and starting to perspire just enough to make him even more nervous. He did chose a nice stripy set with a sheet that "picks up on the colour of the brown-ish stripe in the middle..." (Oh Dear!)

It's a very nice set but I think he won't volunteer for anything like it again. He is now off to do a manly thing (football) to counteract today's "girly" shopping. Ahhh bless!

Nightly Scare

I woke up at 3.30 last night due to some unfamiliar noise (i.e. no ambulance sirens, no ducks etc). I could hear a girl sobbing loudly while moaning "Nooo! Nooo! Nooo!" in a desperate kind of way. And - I heard a man's voice...

I can't tell you how freaked out I got within a millisecond - and I just punched Boyfriend's arm and said; "Do you hear that? Is someone being assaulted right outside our bedroom window?!"

Boyfriend is a heavy sleeper so it took him a bit longer to react and I was already by our bedroom window ready to fill my brain with information about what they guy would look like.I had my plan ready in a matter of seconds - before I actually got to the window to look out.

My Plan: I would get a good look at the guy, bang on the window - while throwing some clothes on, grab my mobile and a blanket and run out to - alternatively jump off the balcony as we're not that high up - take care of the poor girl while waiting for the police and I also decided that our long plastic shoe horn could cause some pain if swung correctly and as the shoe horn is easy to grab by the door it would be the quickest way of getting hold of an 'assault' weapon (and we don't have any other "weapons" in our flat). I was ready to kick some serious ass!

When I got to the window and located where the noise came from I saw 2 girls and 1 guy trying to get a third girl up on her feet as she was completely pissed off her head. Finally her friends got her to calm down and she let the guy carry her away/home.

I don't think I have ever been so relieved and thankful to see such a tiny girl absolutely snookered! However, it all made it difficult to go back to sleep as my adrenaline was pumping so I was left lying there thinking - as Boyfriend fell asleep turning away from the window - and I must say that the human brain is a fantastically quick-thinking apparatus. Impressive. And it reminded me yet again how important it is that your friends don't leave you when you're drunk and annoying - anyone could have taken advantage of that girl if her friends hadn't been there.

I'm still a bit worked up about it all.

Do you have any in Nostril-size?

I don't know if I can be arsed with work tomorrow - I just know it's going to be so boring! I bet I know why Tipp-Ex is banned from the office - I quite fancy sniffing one of those bottles myself come lunch break and I've only been there 3 weeks...

Thank God we're moving up to our "real" job next Monday!

A Conflict of Interests

Boyfriend insisted on watching a program about a Brazilian music movement during the 60's -and I was like; "Oh. My. God! I. Cannot. Believe. This!" So, to the computer I went.

3 minutes ago he called for me; "Hey Ems! You gotta come watch this!" He had the kind of tone in his voice that tells you something's up and I thought; "Maybe he's watching the news and something's happened?"

Yeah. Right. My Boyfriend watching the News?!

He wanted me to see Pelé play the guitar... apparently he is a singer/songwriter too.

Good for him but do I give a shit?

Oh Oh!

I am sorry about last night's post. I wanted to delete it but Boyfriend said it would be dishonest etc so I might as well leave it up to show you what a sad, sad person I become when drinking too much.

So there you have me - Ems, a disgrace and paying slightly for it today. Boyfriend's gone out for some remedy "brown fizzy softdrink" and pizza.

The in-laws are coming soon so I'd better tidy up - without bending down...

it's 7 minutes past midnight and i have had too much to drink. I'ce already thrown up in a buckety but. O]h. MY. God., Did I have fun or what?

I hope there are no pitures of me - but I'll live anyhow,.

Are any of my old students reading this? Te=hen I'm sorru but it's all a fake...

I like British office parties....

scuse me - I have a date with a pretty grey bucket that smells of Ajax...

Toodelooo - literally!