Boyfriend's been wanting to watch a particular film for ages. It's French, called "The Class". I dind't like the sound of it but I had promised Boyfriend it was his turn to pick and c'est la vie... But not so much fun when I after about 5 minutes started to be really uncomfortable, close to tears and to be honest, a panic attack wasn't too far away.
It appears I'm still not over my "lovely" teaching experience in England*. To be fair though - the French kids were loads better behaved than the ones I met. I managed to stay almost throughout the whole movie but when 30 minutes remained I very nearly screamed in frustration, anger/pain and panic. So I left and waited for Boyfriend at the Bar.
It was quite upsetting to relive all that again. All the old emotions, panic, fear (I jest you not), inadequacy and complete and utter feeling of being useless - not to mention worth absolutely nothing - came back and I'd hoped never to feel like that again. But what's most upsetting is that my experience made me fear the profession I had come to love and really enjoy during my teaching in Sweden. I may not have been very good at it but I loved it and I loved my students.
It's quite clear, however, that I am not ready to try teaching again. At least not in here where the school system is so archaic. It completely broke me last time and it made me fragile in a way that I feel/know I wouldn't be able to sort myself out if it happened again. It still hurts too much.
It's that simple.
*Alright, teaching at one school in this city.
No comments:
Post a Comment