In Which I Realise My Uselessness

Another year has passed and have I done the things I said I would? Probably not, which means I'll have a helluva lot of stuff to do if I all of a sudden find out I only have x months left to live. And as if that would not be stressful enough.

One thing I know I told myself was that I had to get better with exercising (read; lose weight - a lot!) but that has not happened. Well maybe a little bit but not enough.

Am I engaged? I'm not even going to answer that question..

Have I dared standing up to Boyfriend's parents? Again, a big fat N O... which, I'm sure, is how they see me.

Do I speak [a little] Mandarin? Not a word.

Did I dive with Great Whites in South Africa? Nooooooooo!

Have I found something that would 'replace' the interests I had in the 'old country? Nope. Have decided/realised I can't replace long walks in the forest with dogs/ cuddling horses on a big field.

Did I win millions of £s on the lottery? It was always a long shot...

Stop buying lottery tickets as never winning anyway? See item above.

Do I find 5 good reasons each morning to remain in England? Does Boyfriend x 5 count?

Shave my legs every morning? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Isn't this depressing??

Swear less? Hell no!

Write one letter each week to my grandmother? I am ashamed of myself. Very ashamed.

Saved money? With all that nice stuff in the stores?!

Find a new calling like furniture-making? I painted a kid's chair for my niece for Christmas.

Have sex twice a day? In his dreams!

Do I live in a house? Credit crunch anyone?

Not getting myself worked up about things out of my control? My heart rate is constantly on severe stress i.e. being chased by Mike Myers in a space of 10 square metres...

Not taking anti-depressants? Last day of the year and I've made it so far - just.

Love Boyfriend a little bit more each day? We had that rough spot in April (thanks to Him) but yes - more than ever. So one thing that's gone to plan. Yeay for me!!

Become an auntie? YEEEEEES!

My very own pet? The Goose (in the river).

I guess the last few - more positive items - mean I am not totally Useless with a capital U but I wish they were all good ones. It could have been a lot worse though and I am very happy in respect of my family and the fact I am not on crack cocaine! I'll just have to keep working on the stuff I failed to do especially item 3, which is the scariest thing e v e r!! I'd rather eat a worm covered in pigeon poop!

Happy New Year Everyone
and
keep smiling!!

In Which I Am Breaking Up With X-mas

Christmas is around the corner and now is the time where I ought to feel that cosy, warm feeling of anticipation, happiness and longing. But this time there is nothing. Zilch. Nada. Ingenting.

Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to going home and see my family, breathe some fresh country air, long walks in the forest and Christmas is giving me that opportunity. But as far as saying I'm in a Christmas mood? No.

We have bought a tiny, very cute potted Christmas tree and some decorations are in place. It's very nice and I am happier for having the little tree and it goes nicely with the other decorations. But am I in the mood for Christmas? Again, the answer is 'no'.

Funnily enough I started this entry yesterday but could not find 'the joy' to finish it as I felt I'd be little Miss Ba-Humbug and a miserable excuse of a girl who just turned 30. But it seems as if I'm not alone findning it difficult this year, my friend Miss E has posted a similar entry on her blog.

But perhaps it won't do any harm if Christmas and I will take a break from each other just this once? A relationship like ours must be one of mutual respect and joy - I'm sure it'll get better and if it doesn't? Well, I am quite good at faking it.*

And to all of you: Ba Humbug

*I've got practise.

In Which I Thought I Died

I've not written for ages for a very simple reason;

STRESS

It's not like I have a particular reason to be stressed, at least none that I can think of [apart from a few that I won't discuss at this very moment]. But there it is. Stress. Such a small, pathetic word that nonetheless can turn someone's world turn upside down or at least appear to be. Imagine turning your handbag upside down and e v e r y t h i n g in it falls out. Change, lip gloss, keys, cover stick, tampons etc. Literally everything falls out and as you frantically try to gather it all up you, to make matters worse, by falling on your ass and accidentally push a [in its wrapper] tampon up your nose.

Yeah, that's about it.

Oh, and did I mention the part where I'm rushing to get to the Post Office and had what felt like a heart attack? Yes, I dropped my bags outside Subways, had to kneel down while clutching my chest. I managed to drag myself and shopping bags across to a bench where a guy (who saw it all) came to make sure I was ok. It passed after a while but I seriously thought I had a heart attack.

my heart rate is still not showing any signs of slowing down and silly things makes it beat even harder.

But I'm still alive and that's one less thing to be stressed about - or is it?

;)