I think I prefer Polar Bears...

Can we blame this on Global Warming?

If you want to save this particular endangered species -
sleep around
and
don't shave!

Nancy Drew and the Q-tip Mystery

I use an enormous amount of cotton buds/Q-tips/cotton swabs/tops and everyone using make-up must be eternally grateful for such a tiny but oh, so useful little thing. I also understand that they are highly valued when it comes to cleaning your car?!

The thing is, however, that I see cotton buds everywhere and I am not talking about in my bathroom or my make-up bag, although it's like a little cotton bud convention in there. I am seeing these little fuggers on the streets. Now don't think I've gone crazy, I don't project my obsession with cotton buds into human like shapes/sizes and they most definitely do not talk at least not when I'm around.

I see them on the ground as if someone just whipped one out of his/her bag to use and then just drop it. At first I thought it was a one thing, how often do you really see cotton buds lying in the streets? But now I see them all the time. I have even started pointing them out to Boyfriend to make sure its not just a figment of my imagination.

Isn't that weird? Who would take cotton buds out with them and if so why would they use them in the middle of the street? I assure you - if you were to start looking around, you'd probably see them too. Or is it just me?

Getting to know me

So - I've lived here for more than a year now. It's been a year full of new experiences - some good, some bad but all very educational in my lifelong task of getting to know me.

I got a job that turned out to be absolutely s***! I've made so many faux-pas that I can't even be bothered to blush anymore. Asking a guy going into the army if there was to be a lot of "spit and polish" might not be the right thing to ask - even though I was referring to his rather scruffy shoes! All these sexual innuendos is getting to me, not only am I a foreigner - I am a blonde as well!!

Since I'm very poor on the animal front here, which is something I've never experienced before, I've had to come up with different things to keep myself busy. No, not the gym. I know I should have but never sort of had the "time". Erm... Anyway, things to keep myself busy:

yes, I've started to cross-stitch! Those who know me are probably choking on their tongues at this very moment but I don't care! Choke all you like but x-stitching has made me discover that I have patience and am actually able to sit down and count, thread, sew, and put it back neatly after I'm done and without a single foul-mouthed outburst and things have stayed put without being thrown across the room. Not even a little itty bit of stomping has occurred.

Are you not impressed? I sure as hell am!

I'm not very fast and the back of it isn't as neat as it should be but I am sticking to it! I've already finished one and am onto my 2nd one. I'd hoped for it to be finished by x-mas as it's kind of a "Christmassy" motif but never mind - there'll, hopefully, be more Christmases.

I've scanned the picture for you to see what a good girl I am nowadays. I had plans on making the picture so that you'd just get the pattern but the stupid, stupid program didn't do what i wanted it to so I had a strop and almost threw the computer over the balcony rails. So you'll have to make do with what I have.

Hmmm - maybe not so much patience after all...

I'm a whinge, I know but...

I almost cried at the shopping centre today when we
were there
to exchange our € back to £.

I think I might have to go see a
Dr. about this food-poisoning thing,
cos it isn't getting any better
- at all.
I'm tired of it.

I don't even fancy chocolate,
which means
I am
seriously ill!

Holiday - Rugby and some serious flashing by 'moi'!

Some stuff we did while on holiday. I left out the nasty bits about food-poisoning as I already think that it brought me and Boyfriend to a level in our relationship that I'm going to need serious counselling for. I don't even like going to the loo if he's in the flat...

Rugby - the world cup final between England and RSA took place on Saturday night. It was a good game but it's difficult to relax when you have to sit and be prepared to grab the key from Boyfriend and r u n back to the room praying you'll get the key in the lock quickly enough. England lost but I had other things on my mind so I was not too upset. As far as the running to the loos; turned out we were not the only ones who needed a quick "getaway"...

Sal Sightseeing - A Saturday spent in a jeep with an ever smiling guide. Honestly, he only had 2 facial expressions; a big, big smile and a super big smile! He took us around the island and told us about the things we saw. We also went to a salt??? (I didn't listen at this part) where they extract salt from seawater and we had a swim in one of the salt lakes. It's just like swimming in the Dead Sea (I've never been but that's what they say) and it was a funny feeling to just float around like that. I wore an old-ish bikini as I didn't want my new ones damaged by the salt and somehow while walking from the salt lake to the showers it succeeded in untying itself on my right hip hence falling halfway off. I've never had such quick reactions before nor will it ever, hopefully, happen again but I probably showed a few people that I am a natural blonde. I was, funnily enough, not as embarrassed then as I would be only 2 days later. (read on)

The Beach - No, not the crap film/book! Imaging the perfect beach. Santa Maria has it. Clear water that is turquoise coloured and the sand is white and really really fine. The sand is a bitch to get off your body but so be it - the sand in my ear is starting to annoy me a bit though. There are a few dogs running around but they seem nice. No dog-whispering at this time as I have a record of being bit/attacked by badly behaved/stray dogs and with no proper hospital close by. Sod's Law would have me mauled by the friendliest and un-rabid dog there is.

Anyway, on the Monday we went down to the beach to have a swim as we felt strong and brave enough to be so far away from a loo and both of us had had a night of uninterrupted sleep. We got our kit off (well, down to bikini and shorts) and as the waves were massive I said - and this is not because I'm a coward but because I've been brought up by the sea and have enormous respect for it - 'that since the waves are so high and strong (sounded like thunder), I'm not going further out than to my knees.'

Boyfriend laughed but shrugged his shoulders as he knows how stubborn I am and into the water we went. The waves were fun and strong. I had my bikini securely fastened. A wave that was slightly bigger than the previous ones came towards us and lifted me up, up, up and brought me real close to the beach. I laughed and thought it was awesome. On my way back out - a little further than knee depth (4 inches deeper) an ever bigger wave came at us and I thought it'd carry me just like the other one but noooo sireee;

It slammed down on me and I was sucked under by the undertow which was scary as shit and dragged me along the bottom of the sea and hence scraping my tummy, breasts - oh, my breasts (especially the left one)! - on the fine sand. I was under for about a second or two but it felt longer as I had lots of thoughts running through my head such as; "don't breathe in despite having had all air pushed out off you!", "Get up but make sure there's not another wave right on top of you dragging you under again!" etc. and the strangest thought of all: "I wonder if this is what it's like to be in a washing machine!" Say what?!

I came up laughing, as it was kind of funny in an unfunny way, clutching my tummy and breasts (it hurt) only to discover that my bikini top wasn't exactly where it was supposed to be so I flashed the whole beach - I'm not too big on the whole topless thing. While standing there laughing and trying to "adjust" things, yet another wave crashed into me and this one sent me flat on my tummy and pulling down my bikini bottom. Hence making me flash my arse while I'm , yet again, scraping my tummy and breasts on the sand!

Boyfriend was pissing himself at the same time as he was coughing after having inhaled/swallowed water - which made me laugh even worse. You all know what such salty water does to an already upset stomach, right? The idiot had gulped down a couple of mouthfuls. I got out off the water to walk up to our clothes and the next few waves seemed to try and snap my ankles off leaving me to stagger in a very unfashionable way for a girl in a bikini. I managed to get up safely, still laughing - out of embarrassment for flashing the whole fuggin' beach.

My hair was a mess and I realised that the wave(s) had torn off the rubber band that held my ponytail in place. I did not get back out there but we watched the others for a while and I was amazed to see that some parents let their kids play where the undertow was at its strongest. I'm by no means a petite person and if it can push me off my feet then imagine what it can do to a little kid...

Crazy shit albeit fun in a scary kind of way.

Apart from sitting by the pool and swimming, this is pretty much al we did. We went to have a nice relaxing holiday and that's what we got despite being a bit "off". I'd definitely go again but use a different type of bikini while wave-riding...

Getting thinner isn't always funner

So, I'm back from a week's holiday at Cape Verde (Sal). Awesome sun, awesome beach, awesome waves, awesome pool, awesome and friendly staff at the resort and most importantly; awesome sewer system!

Boyfriend and I (he started it!!) got food poisoning. Not so much fun.

I still got an awesome tan though (and a tummy that's a lot flatter than normal) so that's got to count for something. And to think that Boyfriend and I were slightly worried about gaining loads of weight as it was an "all inclusive"...

... somehow we're still not laughing.

We did more stuff other than running relay to and from the loo using a loo roll as a baton rather than the normal golden "stick" they use in the Golden League and I will write about those other things later on. Right now I've got to lie down and rest for a while. This getting thin business is exhausting...

I am...

...off on a holiday to Cape Verde for a week. I might pop in and say "hi" but until then you'll have to make do with picturing me sunbathing on a perfect beach with white sand and swimming in turquoise coloured ocean. I will not be as good a surfer as this lady...


...nor as flexible!

The clothes forgive him

I have the best Boyfriend ever!! He came home really late last night which wouldn't have bothered me one bit if it hadn't been for the fact that he didn't have a key so I had to get up and "buzz" him in. I'm not really a very nice person if I'm woken up in the middle of the night. I was a bit sulky as I for sure thought that he would refuse to get up and go shopping with me and stay in bed until it was time for the movie he wanted to go and see. But he got up at 9 - no complaint, no nudging from me. He did it all by himself!! Such a good boy!

To continue with how nice he is: he did not complain for a second over the fact that I spent ages in the dressing room and even went to get a skirt in a smaller (YES!) size. And then - he bought it all for me!!!

Hey, wait a minute! He did all that without complaining and he bought me lots of clothes!? Hmmm something isn't right here. He went out last night to a student night with lots of drunken freshers! Shit!

God, I must be the dumbest person ever....! He'll feel the wrath of Ems as soon as he gets back... and he's got some 'splainin' to do... ;)

Anyway, maybe he was just super nice today and I got 2 skirts, 2 tops from Kookai and they're looovely!

Music and Sport

Went to Leadmill and listened to a band called The Twilight Sad and they were awesome! I think that they cpu;d have played a bit more though but as they were supporting Idlewild I guess they had to keep it fairly short. We left after they'd finished so Idlewild had to do without us.

Went up to Walkabout, an Aussie pub, to watch the 2nd half of the rugby semifinal between France and England. France were winning 9-8 when we got there but England pulled through and played brilliantly in the last 8 minutes and won 14-9!!

I think rugby is a brilliant sport. The men playing are real, tough and proper men. They don't whine and they don't dive. They play on and on and on. It's a violent but beautiful sport and I am absolutely hooked. I don't understand all the rules but I know enough to shout and cheer them on in the right places. I think it's the perfect sport for me to watch. It's not as prissy as football (soccer) and not as static as tennis. They don't really show ice-hockey here in the UK so Rugby is my new favourite game. But if the telly was showing show jumping, 3 day event or dressage I'd still chose that - I haven't gone all mad.


The tight short over a nice little tush and massive muscular thighs have absolutely nothing to do with me liking it so much. Not at all!



England is in Final next Saturday and we'll be in Cape Verde! I hope they'll show it somewhere...

A moment in the life of Ems

It's a Friday. It's a fairly warm day for being in October (remember that I am a Swede) so I decided to go for a walk into town. On my way I popped into Boyfriend's no. 1 hate store; 99P (everything costs 99 pence). It's a bit messy but it so happens that they sell the best shampoo I've ever used and similar stuff costs at least £10 in regular stores + you can find odd bits that are quite nice.

They've started to sell some Christmas stuff and I had a look around and found a pack of 5 paper giftbags with old-fashioned Christmas motifs and I simply had to buy them. I turned around to get into a better position so I wouldn't have to break my back to reach. And.....

PLOP!

The PLOP! told me that it wasn't anything fragile as that would have been a CRASH! I looked back to see what it was that I had knocked over.

Oh no. I wish it had been a CRASH! as that would just have been a case of sweeping up the pieces and that would have been it. The PLOP! was a little soft plastic container with a lid that was not "securely fastened". And this little soft plastic container contained "artificial snow with iridescent stars".

All over the fuggin' floor!

Lot's of artificial snow E V E R Y W H E R E! I could not help but stand there in complete fascination over the fact that such a tiny container could store such a huge amount of snow.

Oops? Sorry? Embarrassing?

Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!

I know when to stop. I did not go into town. I walked back home.

College Assignment

Write a short story in as few words as possible. The story must contain religion, sexuality and mystery.


The winner is....






"Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Emma's House by The Field Mice

Early morning by the harbour
the clouds above form one sheet that's grey
Early morning by the harbour
Where you are
Where you now are
You have nothing to live up to
You have nothing to live down
Emma's house is empty
so why do I call it Emma's house?

Five to six that's what the time is
the cold cuts through my shirt of cotton made
Five to six that's what the time is
Where you are
Where you now are
You have nothing to live up to
You have nothing to live down
Emma's house is empty
so why do I call it Emma's house?

Where you are
Where you now are
You have nothing to live up to
You have nothing to live down
Emma's house is empty
so why do I call it Emma's house?

I really miss my Maja today. I could really do with burrowing my nose into her coat and take long, deep breaths and just smell her...

I don't know what to say...

I am not a fashionista nor will I ever get close to being one but after finding myself running to the loo in order to not wet myself, I realise that I simply have to share this with you...


I don't mind V.B as I think she does what she does best; keeps her mouth shut and wear fashionable things. But this?? C'mon! Can I please, please assume you've dressed up for one of your sons' birthday parties? I hear Big Bird is making a big comeback and perhaps you're dressed up as a sister of B.B?

It smells like coffee

It happens that I have a wander around town and every now and then my feet seem to, all by themselves, walk towards a coffee house. I can sit outside (or in the vicinity), with a book and just watch people going in and a couple of minutes later come back out with a papercup, sometimes small and sometimes large. And you can tell it is really hot by the way they're holding it by placing as few fingers as possible around it and never, ever, letting the palm of the hand grip the cup properly.

I think it's possible to tell what sort of coffee a person drinks. The lady "over there" - she's a stresser, she won't wait for her coffee to cool off so she must have something with milk in it, a Latte. The guy who so obviously wants to impress the girl he's with - he'll order a double Espresso but secretly wishes that he'd ordered a smooth Cappuchino instead and he knows he'll regret it later when his heart starts to race but he'll just pretend it's because he fancies the girl.

As for the girl - she doesn't drink coffee at all but she doesn't want to seem old-fashioned and order tea as it's too much "old british lady in a knitted cardi with holes in", so she orders a Mocha Coffee as the sweet, but sadly too subtle, taste of chocolate will manage to get her through at least 1/2 of it and then she'll use the excuse of it having gone "too cold". Let's just hope for her sake that there won't be too many silent pauses where she'll have to take sip after sip to get away from the awkwardness.

And that older gentleman? Well he's here because it's the new thing to do. It's no longer allowed to smoke at work so he's had to quit (not to mention the years of endless nagging from the wife about it) and so here he is. It's his break, he's getting a Black Coffee but most of all he longs for a quick fix of the instant coffee he used to stir up in the office kitchen and then run out on the street for a fag in one hand and his "best daddy in the world" cup in the other. Oh how the world has changed.

And oh, we must not forget those who walk around with an empty cup long after they've finished the coffee and it's not because it's difficult to find a bin where you can dispose of the cup. It's because they don't know what to do with their hands and a cup gives them something to hold on to. Not to mention that they think they look like someone "on the go" + it's fashionable these days. A couple of years back it was water bottles. Now it's coffee... The modern and acceptable adult security blanket.

Before I end this rather strange monologue I must say something about [some of] the barristas. I agree that some of them are really good at what they're doing, they are able to make nice little figures and it all looks almost too nice to drink. But. Do they really have to be such snobs? It's as if customers queue up to be rudely treated by some conceited bastard in an apron that trails on the dirty floor. It's a new take on Seinfeld's "Soup Nazi" but here we can call them the coffee fascists instead. They actually charge you to treat you as an amoeba. There's got to be something wring when people are willing to take it for a cup of coffee. It can't be all that good. Surely not?!

Me? Oh no, I don't drink coffee. Sometimes I have some of the froth of Boyfriend's Cappuchino but that's as far as it goes. I will say that it smells lovely and perhaps one day I'll grow up and be able to join the queue of those who know, or don't know, coffee but until then I'll have fun making up stories about those who order it.

And I don't stalk coffee houses all that often... I'm not that sad.

Atonement

...wasn't too bad. I had expected it to bee worse and Miss Knightley wasn't as annoying as she usually is. James McAvoy is nothing short of being eye-candy. Yum yum! What I didn't like was that they seemed to have cut quite a bit in the middle where all of a sudden you went "what? Oh, I see! Nope, that was not it..." And in the end it was difficult to feel sympathy towards the person you were supposed to feel sorry for. I just went. Die bitch, die!

Anyway, the clothes were fantastic! And the wallpaper in Briony's room was heavenly. Really nice actually. Did I mention that it was worth going just to see James McAvoy?

Chain of thoughts...

Boyfriend and I watched Death Proof last week (fan-bloody-tastic!) and anyway, there's this lap dance scene in it with an awesome song. Yesterday I "found" it on youtube and even better, the lap dance scene is on there too..

I'm not really familiar with lap dancing but it's clearly more than the bump and grinding on someone's lap that you usually see in movies. The girl dancing seemed to be doing a good job as I noticed Boyfriend couldn't divert his eyes from the screen but then again, nor could I as I was busy taking mental notes...

It could be fun doing it but I fear/know I'd be too conscious about it and would probably have to stop either from laughing too hard or being too embarrassed and end up hiding under the bed. + If Boyfriend were to laugh then I'd have to kill him out of sheer embarrassment or dump him and take refuge in the same cave as Bin Laden. He's been on the run for quite some time, he ought to appreciate a bit of lap dancing. Oh wait, probably not.

Reasons for Bin Laden not liking my lap dance: 1) I'm an infidel 2) I'm an infidel and 3) being an infidel who gives him a lap dance would make me a horrible infidel slut and he'd probably kill me for doing more than just bat my lashes through the eye-hole of my burqa.

I think I'll stick with dancing for Boyfriend, after all, he can't laugh all that much, can he? Besides, if he laughs I'll make sure he'll suffer for a very long time...

Seriously folks, I really don't know how my mind works today. I'm sure it's not normal to think of lap dancing and Bin Laden in one day. I wonder what Freud would have made of that...

Nothing of note...

Boyfriend and I had decided to go watch a movie last night but as always, I "didn't feel like it", so we watched a DVD instead. Boyfriend's too good for me. He never whines the way I do when things don't go to plan, he just gets on with it. So last night he picked out some of the DVDs we haven't seen and I tore merciless through them and settled on Bewitched (Nicole Kidman & Will Farrell). I don't think Boyfriend was too impressed but we sat down and watched it all the same.

You know what? It's not as bad as we thought it'd be, so all in all it was not such a bad choice. I think we'll go to the movies tonight or tomorrow as there are quite a few we would like to see and it seems silly not to go when we've got memberships at that cinema.

Btw, I can't get enough of "Suspicious Minds"!

A reflection on trousers and today's interview

So - went to my interview. I walked there as it's really close to where we live. As always there's a bit of apprehension beforehand and I was a bit worried about the dress-code. "Office" said the guy at the agency. "Office?" Hmm, I thought. A pair of pin striped trousers (slimming), a pink top under a black cardigan and a black pair of wedged shoes. "That should be ok" and Boyfriend agreed last night so that's what I wore.

I sat in the foyer watching quite a few men walking past immaculately dressed in suits. You could have cut bread on the sharpness of the creases on their freshly pressed trousers. "Shit!" I was staring to think I was totally inappropriately dressed when a few young guys walked past in jeans and t-shirts. "What is the dress-code here, really?" I was starting to be seriously confused when a man with the most hideous mullet walked past. Let me tell you something; the mullet was the best thing about that man. He had - I swear to God - navy blue women's trousers on!

You know, the ones that get quite tight around the ankles and gives a very unflattering arse on anyone! Even the supermodel of supermodels would have looked bad in those trousers. You could also tell that they were of that itchy, clingy kind of polyester and to top it all off, they ended 2 inches above his ankles!

I had to grab hold of the couch in order to stop myself from running after him and begging him to walk around in his y-fronts (I just know that y-fromts would be the underwear of his choice) rather than wearing those trousers. But I didn't run after him and calmly reflectd on how nice it must be to have no clue whatsoever and therefore not worry about such a mundane thing as clothing. At least he's not walking around naked and he's not cold so clothes as clothes... or??

Anyway, the interview was ok. A bit of a repetition of all the forms I spent last night filling in. I hope I did ok. I need to do something or I will end up wearing the itchy, clingy, navy blue polyester trousers that ends 2 inches above my ankles.... I fear I'm not too far off, really.

javla skit oxa!

There's nothing much happening today. My hands ache, especially my left middle finger. I'm not joking! It aches and I really don't want to bend it. if this is my great grandmothers rheumatism coming through... well, then I'll just kill myself now and get it all over with. All for a middle finger. I wouldn't call myself to be in a very "stable" mood today.

weepy. tired. cold. achy.

Interpret it any way you like....

I'll most likely delete this later on.

It's definitely a Monday.

I am having one of those days where nothing is fun, I have nothing to do (I've got lots to do), I don't fancy any of the books I've recently bought or any old book for that matter. Today is just a dull day.

Dragged myself up to town and the employment agency to pick up some forms to fill in for Wednesday's interview (yeay!). I haven't looked at them yet but I guess it's another form to fill in the last 17 years of studies/work/experiences in tiny, tiny boxes. I'll just leave it for when I am in a better mood. I'm in the kind of mood where I'd answer something totally inappropriate or untrue just to spice things up a bit.

I'm sure you did it in school too. You know, when your class had been "randomly selected" (least likely to draw offensive pictures) to fill in a questionnaire about issues such as drugs, sex and health etc. I'm glad I made things up as the things I said I'd done.... not pretty! I know it was a bad thing to do, but we got tired of being patronised by poorly phrased questions, and smiling health workers repeatedly saying "it's all very anonymous" and the view that we were idiots who'd never ever heard of STDs and how you could prevent it. I think we all had had sex with one another on at least a weekly basis during booze- and drug filled parties and never ever using any form of protection (we were such a geeky bunch in real life!). One guy once wrote that he'd had an STD and the teachers "found" him (so much for anonymity) and he had to go through the Spanish Inquisition until they were satisfied that he'd made it up and then he had to have a talk with the principal for messing up the stats and the health workers were really disappointed with him!

We were never asked to fill out another questionnaire so we owe that guy a great big "Thank You!"

Anyway, the flat is a complete mess and I am sure I saw some dust bunnies leaping off the balcony after finding it a bit over-populated under the sofa, so I'd better go and kill the ones that didn't make it as far as the balcony.