Thursday 8 March 2007

Why?!

Why, oh why do some people decide to have children when they clearly aren't interested in the actual raising part of it?!

I work at a school, have spent numerous years at college and uni to be a teacher and absolutely loved working at my old school. I am a damned good one at that (says my old students and employer). But today... let's just say that I've had enough working at this particular school and will hand in my notice tomorrow, unless something magical happens tonight or if I'm too chicken to actually do it.

I know it's stupid to do so without having another job lined up (I'm not one of the world's richest people) but I can't take it any more. I am obviously not cut out to work with kids of this calibre. I wish them all the best (they're going to need it). All I want is a job that I enjoy, or at least one that doesn’t make me want to kill myself. That isn't really too much to ask, is it?

People who know me know that I am not the one to give up at first sign of trouble or obstacle but I do think that it'd get the better of me if I stay much longer. The senior management says that I do a really good job and wants me to take on more responsibility but I don’t like me when I’m working. I don't like the way I have to be to get the kids to do their work. I don't like the way I feel about them. It is not me to be so cold and uninterested about other people and their lives, which is also something that upsets me.


I must also think of Boyfriend. I am not “Ems” at the moment. I am someone who is constantly upset and need constant attention and reassurance. I am someone who panics when the alarm goes off in the morning and at Sunday evenings. My Boyfriend is an angel, he has put up with my every outburst and all my mood swings and he hasn’t complained one bit! I think he deserves a better girlfriend than that and I want to be “her” and I think I know how I can be that again.


It’s not really a predicament, is it? But then why do I feel so useless, like a failure and a quitter? Work vs. no work. Work vs. sanity. Work vs. Boyfriend. Work vs. me


I choose me ;)

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