Sooo

What have I done since last Friday? Not much. Panicked a bit

"HUSBAND -NOTHING IS READY!!"
and 5 minutes later;
"Oh, I think I feel quite well prepared!"
and another 5 minutes later or in the middle of the night;
"HUSBAND - wake UP! What are we doing? Are we out of our frigging minds? How can I ever cope with TWO? What if the breastfeeding doesn't work. What if it does work this time? Will I be stuck in the house for months?!*

and so it goes. But most of the time I'm just enjoying my tummy -as big as it is- and seeing N interacting with Baby in forms of kisses, stickers on my tummy, making sure there are stuff for Baby to borrow and play with, removing toys that "Not for Baby, mamma. It too small!", trying out Baby's changing mat, egging me on to set up the baby gym so he can try it out** etc etc. I just love him so much and I know he'll be awesome even though I also know he will find it tough at times.

Anyhow, Last Sunday we went for a walk in the park (to call it a forest is laughable to a Swede) while Husband went for a run. N and I had a peek at, the now fairly big, lambs. I love lambs, they're soo adorable and I love seeing their joy when they jump around and play. It's spring.

here's a pic of my "lamb" watching lambs in his super cool wellies.

And yes, that is indeed a "leash" on his backpack. And no, I don't make him eat his food out of a bowl on the floor. He loves his backpack and he learnt from the beginning that if he wanted to walk and not sit in the pushchair/pram or hold hands, he had to wear his backpack and mommy or daddy had to hold on (when in areas with ppl or traffic). Little children don't always want to hold hands, can't hold hands as too short and I for one did not want to spend an awful lot of time chasing him all over the place or risking him stepping off the sidewalk onto the road. The leash doesn't necessarily prevent him from falling or slipping or hurting himself but it means there is a limit on how far away he is from you when it happens. + with the backpack it means he can bring some toys with him or a place to put newly found treasures such as a twig or the most beautiful pebble or leaf he as ever seen. It's one of the best purchases I've made. Ever!

The above is a "speech" I've given SO many times when ppl decide it's "barbaric" and that I treat my child like a dog and especially in Sweden where it's not very common (from what I understand). But I live in a big city, not the village where I grew up. We use the leash less and less as he knows the deal and it can be taken off completely for safety reasons but sometimes he has a different opinion than us and wants to "play" naughty and run off. He's a child, they disagree with adults on a lot but I do not compromise on safety and that's when it comes in handy. + I have this fear of someone trying to snatch him when we're in a crowd, store etc and it's impossible to follow or even notice before he's gone and it makes me feel safe. So there. I use it because I love my child but I don't really trust his judgment yet (he's 3) and I definitely do NOT trust strangers.

Gotta go and wee as Baby is using bladder as a punchbag...
Toodles.

*I'm not very comfortable with the idea of breastfeeding in public - it's just me, I don't mind breastfeeding in public. It's just in my head. Didn't have that issue with N as he didn't latch on so I expressed and bottlefed him.
**I hope it works but am a bit reluctant to try it as don't want to be disappointed. It's a baby gym I've looked at for AGES but I refuse to pay the amount it actually costs and they still go for a lot when used. BUT managed to find a Brand New One for 1/2 price because the packaging had been opened.  Just got to deal with it I guess.

37+1 and a 3yr old

Holy Crap on A Cracker - it's getting really close now and I am kind of both dreading it and willing time to go faster.

I'm dreading it because the thought of having a baby [again] scares the beejezus out of me but I'm willing time to go faster because I really, really want to meet our new family member. Saying that though, I really don't want to go into labour before my date for c-section because I have not even prepared myself mentally for "that" bit this time.

Anyhow, I'm at that stage when I am tired ALL the time. Walking up the hill from nursery is like my very own "North Side" of Mount Everest - or whichever trail that's the toughest one. I'm still very stubborn though so I hate having to take a minute and rest because that would be embarrassing ,which is a stupid thing to think as there are far more non-pregnant, younger and fitter people who stop for a breather there. But I don't and so when I get home I literally zonk out on the sofa for a while and try to muster enough energy to eat something healthy but more often than not, I fail.

Baby has had me/us scared/worried a couple of times. It has been very naughty with its movements and pattern of movement and sometimes it goes all "quiet and still" in there. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned this when I was pregnant with N but I have a massive fear of that stupid stupid umbilical cord and that it'll get all tangled up and deprive baby of oxygen. So the midwife has referred me to the hospital a couple of times to be monitored and it's turned out to be ok but it doesn't make me feel any better when I just wait for a bum, elbow, foot, knee or whatever to poke me hard enough to make me breathless. Toddler N has helped me "jiggle" my tummy to wake Baby up and N finds it hilarious and calls it my "Jelly Wobbly Tummy" which is very sweet. If anyone else said it, they'd sport a black eye for a week or so.

I also find it to be very cumbersome to try out for maternity/nursing bras. GOD ALMIGHTY, is it so freakishly difficult to get it right?? And I go to have myself measured and everything but the selection is atrociously bad. "Would you like lace?" NO - I sure as hell don't want lace because a) it shows through on t-shirts, light tops etc. and I hate seeing the seems through my tops. b) Lace? Are you frigging kidding me? Yeah, that'll be sooo nice on possibly sore nipples so no, thank you. I want a comfy t-shirt bra. Bras that don't have cutesy little bows, dots, birds, butterflies and come in pink, blue, green. What is WRONG with normal colours like black, white and beige/nude so it feels a little bit normal and you don't have to wear black tops to make sure the terrible pattern wont show trough? And why can't sizes be the same in all stores?! I despair.

Anyhow, that's my rant about bras. I have to go for another fitting next week and I'm already hating it.

One thing that really makes me laugh and enjoy this time is N (and Husband). N is so funny at the moment, and you can have proper little conversations with him and he has got an awesome sense of humour. It also means, however, that I have to be careful what I say and tell him because his memory is amazing and he can repeat and recall things that were said/done ages ago.

Yesterday morning he melted my heart and I to say I had tears in my eyes would not be an exaggeration. I should explain that every night when he goes to bed and every time we say good bye I tell him "I love you forever and Always - Jag Alskar dig for evigt och alltid" and I have done since he was a very little baby. It became our ritual. So yesterday morning we snuggled up in our bed. Husband was snoozing away but N and I had a proper cuddle with rubbing noses and asking each other "did you sleep well? I slept well, thank you!" and then we had a tiny quiet moment and he whispered "I love you forever and always!"

And there are no words to express or explain how I felt and feel about that little sentence so I wont even try.

I know some cure cancer and make great discoveries etc and it'd be awesome to have that kind of achievement but I don't need it. Husband and I have the bestest little boy in the world and as long as all goes well, we'll be expanding our family very soon and I won't ask for anything else. I'm happy just the way we are.

Stress, Excitement and Absolute Love

I am very tired today. I'm putting myself under stress and therefore also Husband as he's my "vent" (poor thing). Husband is taking it all very calmly, he knows what I am like (and so do I). What I do is that I take EVERY little thing and list it all and then I stress about the massive list. Even things such as "shower" is added on to this "list" and it just grows and grows and grows until I start crying and becomes unable to cross anything off. This is Stress-Ems in a nutshell.

The reason for the stress is that I've been fooling myself that we "already have everything" for when the baby comes as we'll be using same furniture and pram etc as Toddler N had. But. All of a sudden it feels like nothing is "in place". I realised that I haven't got stuff sorted for the hospital for me or baby. No nappies, cotton wool, blankets, a little teddy etc.

I've focused SO much on making sure Toddler N isn't forgotten that I've kind of forgotten about Baby and myself. We've brought presents for Toddler N FROM baby and Toddler N is very excited about Baby. He is so cute - he wants to show everyone a picture from the ultra sound, he kisses my tummy regularly (without being asked to), he pats my tummy and says "Hello Baby!" and yesterday - after I'd picked him up from nursery and we were on the sofa - he pulled up my shirt and bared my tummy, rubbed his nose and cheeks back and forth and said "mysa Baby" (snuggle Baby) and my eyes just welled up. He is going to be such an awesome brother!

Toddler N is at a funny stage - he is absolutely wonderful and I fall more and more in love with him every time I see him but he can also be extremely frustrating in that he refuses to listen, completely ignores me and Husband at times, demands things and not asking for it and gets angry if he doesn't get it. And I am not the one to give in for silly things so we've had our battles lately. I mean, biscuits for breakfast is not something I will ever give in to (even though I myself wouldn't mind it).

Over Easter weekend we felt that the "naughty chair" wasn't quite working because he was naughty, was warned 3 times, got on the chair if he didn't listen to the warnings, sat there for a while, said "sorry", got down and was naughty again. He doesn't quite understand yet that you can't just do something naughty say sorry and everything is ok as you can "see" him thinking about doing naughtiness, then he says sorry almost before he's finished being naughty and so on. Sooo - and this might be terrible to other parents but we were at the end of our tether here -we started with "if you continue to be naughty you'll lose a favourite toy for a day" type of approach. ie. if he continued to not listen and be naughty we would take one of his favourite toys and put it in the garage and he would not get it back until he had shown he could be the good boy we know he is.

Husband had to remove two of his toys (and Husband has the patience of a saint) and then Toddler N seemed to understand that "wow, they're serious here and I really don't want my big digger or the pirate ship to not be in the house". He did get them back later the same day but he had been a very (!) good boy so we felt it was well earned. We haven't (touch wood) had to remove a toy since but it's good to have a back up plan when the stubbornness sets in.

+ he loves his new Big Boy Room and often wants to get up there and just "hang out", hide by the sofa bed, play with his Duplo Cars (Disney's Cars) and just seems in awe of all the space. Bless him, he's gone from the smallest bedroom to the biggest so it must seem huge. We've moved his cot in there until he gets used to sleeping in the room itself and then we'll try the bed soon. He sleeps very well in his room and in fact, has slept in til past 8 since moving in there. We are very happy for the extra sleep but also know that in just a few weeks we'll be back to the night time feeding and so on... mixed feelings about that, I can tell you! :)

Anyhow, I'd best get started before the day slips away from me and it's Friday which means "cleaning day!" Not that I don't clean the other days but since Toddler N is at nursery the whole day it means I can get more stuff done at the same time and it leaves the house tidy for the weekend. So, ironing towels and sheets for Baby (to cross that off list) and shirt for Husband as he is off to a wedding this weekend. I loathe ironing, it must be the worst household chore EVER!!

Hope you'll have a fun day!
x

Big Boy Room

Both Husband and I are deliriously excited about Toddler N's Big Boy Room and it's not far away from being finished. Husband has painted the "proper" colour now and it looks like we only need one layer as it's a very thick kind of paint. It's a colour called Donkey Ride and it looks fab on the wall so we'll be suing that in the nursery once Toddler N has moved into the Big Boy Room permanently.

All the furniture needed have also arrived and yes, most of it is from IKEA. I love IKEA for its simplicity, quality and great price. But the stuff that we have to "pimp" it up has been purchased from all over the world - you've got to love the internet. And if it is half as lovely as it is in my head and on my plans then I'll probably move in there with Toddler N and Husband can have the other room to himself.

I'll post some pictures once we're getting somewhere as it's just an empty room at the moment. But I am SOOO pleased with it!

Anyhow...

...
Husband is upstairs painting what it to be Toddler N's Big Boy Room.

I said I was going to tidy up downstairs, hoover, steam clean the floors so I won't have to do it tomorrow morning before my friend V and her Baby K comes over for lunch.

And then I got stuck in front of the computer. Ooops.

Well, I am pregnant and quite tired after having been to the midwife to check my bloods and to get the
anti-D (Rh) immunoglobulin injection. and then I had to get another appointment for the whooping cough vaccination. I feel like a pin cushion this pregnancy.. so I think a sit down is acceptable.

But I can't wait for Baby to come and join our family on the outside and I must say that I am very excited about Toddler N seeing his babysibling. There will be tears!

x

I'll never stop worry

This time I'm not talking about Toddler N or my "close" family. I am talking about My Other Children.

The Children (i.e. young adults) I had the honour and pleasure to meet when I was a teacher in Sweden.
The Children I worried about as so many of them had moved away from home to go to this particular school.
The Children who I know partied all weekends and sometimes in the middle of the week.
The Children who did not always turn up at the Monday morning assembly.
The Children who got ill with fairly simple things such as tonsillitis, flu, gastroenteritis and who did not have their family there to tuck them in, bring them food and keep them company.
The Children who had spent all their money on clothes and other things and therefore not able to buy enough food. How many did I buy and cook food for?
The Children who had not been taught to take care of themselves or a flat before they moved away from home.
The Children who came to me for advice about being safe with their boyfriends/girlfriends.
The Children who came to me to to talk their guilt about terminating a pregnancy.
The Children who came crying when the boyfriend/girlfriend had broken up with them.
The Children who did not come to us.
The Children who did not have the support from home to cope with school and the demands we, the teachers, put on them.
The Children who did not pass the grades, no matter how hard they tried.
The Children who failed the grades because they didn't try.
The Children who did pass the grades without trying - would not having to study last them through Uni? What would happen if it didn't?
The Children who I had to force myself not to let into my flat as I knew I'd never let them leave.
The Children I stayed up for and waiting to receive a text or a call to say they'd gotten home ok after a night out.
The Children who did not get any help from the Doctors when they needed it.
The Children who refused help when they were offered it by friends, doctors, teachers.
The Children who stole my heart.
The Children who are doing so well in their private lives, their professional lives, their "hobbies", their sports, their health.
The Children who are not doing so well.
The Children who liked me.
The Children who didn't like me. At all.
The Children I hear from on a regular basis.
The Children I don't hear from at all.

The Children who made me a better person. A person I liked becoming.
The Children who made me "me".
The Children I love and care for.

I have many of them as my "friends" on FB and even though I may not be in touch with them I still get little updates and tidbits from their lives. Most of them fun and exciting, family additions, but also the sad parts of life, deaths, sorrows and desperation.

Today I read a status update about sadness, sorrow and desperation. I cannot help her. No one can help her because she has refused all help that is possible to get. I wish she could be locked up until she confides in someone about what it is that has hurt her so. But it's not allowed. There are theories. Little whispers from a girl who is so very small and young on the inside but whispers she refused to acknowledge once they had been spoken. Whispers that made me cry, made me throw up, made me talk to other people, made me want to leave, made me want to keep her close forever, made me want to never experience such a world, made me eternally grateful for my life, made me fear for her life, made me fear for people around her as she kept on bringing them down with her unintentionally but also on purpose to make herself feel better, not to be alone.

I wanted to believe she was doing so well. I wanted it so badly. But I also know, have always known that she will never become old. Not for lack of support, not for lack of trying but for being tired of hurting. Nothing and no one can help her, her pain runs too deep. You cannot keep hold of a shadow, she has never allowed herself to be more than a shadow, never allowed anyone to try and get her our of those shadows. When the light comes on, she disappears.

I moved away from that school, left Sweden for the UK almost 7 years ago. I am not the best at keeping in touch. It's but one of my [many] character flaws and one I am trying to overcome and it is one of the reasons I love FB. A quick message here and a quick check in there. But not once in those 7 years have I stopped worrying about her, about any of them. My Other Children that I fear losing.

X

Tears and Make Up

I went to drop Toddler No off at nursery and it ended with us both having a little cry. He cried while I dropped him off because he did not want to go into the "Big Boy Room" as he is now moving up to the next level and have been going in there every now and then to get used to it.

I thought I wouldn't be so bothered by it as we did go through the same thing when he moved from the baby room to the "middle" room. But I was wrong. Maybe it's because i'm pregnant and have all these hormones flying around but it's terrible to see your little boy upset. The girls are brilliant and he was happy to go to the girl who greeted us and he tried to smile when he said "bye mommy!" but tears were flowing down his cheeks. I gave him a kiss, told him I love him forever and always (which is what i say every night and every time we say good bye) and I left. But walking back home was difficult and I cried a little and had to phone Husband at work. I think I'll pick him up early-ish today so that we can have a nice snuggle before it time to get ready for bed.

If I didn't have anything planned for today then it'd be an awful day just waiting, walking around doing nothing as the house is tidy (just need a run around with the hoover) but I'm off to get my hair cut and "coloured". I'm so fed up with feeling drab as I am tired most of the time and I also desperately need to update my make-up bag. Everything is either thrown out or stuff I use because I've thrown the other stuff out. + it's spring time so a few new things is warranted anyway. I try to only have the essentials at home + some stuff I'd use in the [unlikely] event of us going somewhere where it's nice to put a bit extra on, if you know what I mean. But it's time to put a bit of money aside and go on a make-up renewal shop. What I know I want is:

Mascara - Estee Lauder Sumptous Waterproof in brown (the only one that doesn't make my eyes run)
Primer - Laura Mercier (it's more than I'd like to pay but lasts a long time and is heavenly to wear)
Foundation - am willing to try something new as I can't be bothered with the Avon sales lady
Eye shadow - MaX Factor Smoky eye effect (simple enough for someone like me to get a good result! And i'd like them in a few more colours, well, at least one that's more "spring")

And I think that would do me for now, I don't have much time nor do I want to spend a lot of time (no more than 5minutes) but I can't go out "nude" faced as it'd scare animals and small children.

Anyhow, time to get going to the hair dressers. Don't want to be late...

Hope you're all well.

(btw, it's highly unusual for me to write about make-up but there you have it! There'll probably be a blue moon tonight too!)

week 26

It's been a while. I haven't been massively busy as such, just the normal mommy-thing. I have, very much, loved and enjoyed this time with Toddler N as he is so much fun at the moment. Obviously he has always had his own personality and it has shown but it has just bubbled over lately and he is so much fun. I spend most of my days just laughing at and with him. He is also very, very good at being impossibly cute which makes it difficult to say no to anything but we have to be firm or he'll be a little monster.

He has also been more interested in the Baby. At first he didn't acknowledge it at all and then he said he wanted it to be a triceratops!?! We don't know if it is a boy or a girl but I dearly hope it isn't a triceratops. And now Toddler N just says "Baby" and that mommy has to go to "hopital" to get baby and that the "Doctor help baby". He plays a lot of Doctor at the moment, putting bandaids on Tractors and his Dragon, even on me after I'd been to the Doctors' last Friday (Glucose test) and he says he wants to be a doctor "like Daddy". One day he stated that "Daddy Doctor, N doctor too. Mommy go shop!" which I guess says it all really. But he did look proud when I showed him the building where I used to work. Such a sweetie!

So, I had to go to the maternity ward and do a Glucose test as I was bang on the BMI "limit" to test for diabetes when I got signed up at the midwife's. To be fair, it's my own fault, if i'd gone to the midwife at week 4 instead of week 8 I would have been fine. I gained loads those weeks as I couldn't eat anything but plain pasta without throwing up. Carbs only for 4 weeks - you do the math. Anyway, I've been doing really well since and I am nowhere near as big as when I was pregnant with N at the same time so i feel Ok. I'm longing for when I can get back into running though.

Anyhow, the Glucose test. What a boring half day that was. First they had to take some blood. Then I had to drink 2dl of some horrible sugary syrup that tasted like liquid wine gums. And I had to drink it within 5 minutes, which was harder than you would think as it was so nasty. I am grateful I had some water so I could sip that after each mouthful. And then I had to wait. For 2 loooong hours. During which they played a "propaganda" film about breastfeeding / dangers of smoking and epidurals on a loop. Again, I'd been warned about it so I'd brought a book and a magazine but couldn't quite block out the sound nor the sight of a pair of enormous breasts on a 50" screen about a metre away. I don't mind breasts or breast feeding at all but not necessarily after fasting for 12 hours and then drinking some horrible syrup. After the 2 hours were up, and my arse well and truly asleep, I had to give them some more of my precious blood and then I was free to go. I'll find out within a week but I really hope I don't have diabetes, not only because it would suck in general and I'd have a fairly big increased risk of getting it within the next 10 years. But also because I would be terrible at making sure I'd eat regularly and test my blood an hour before, an hour after etc etc. + how would that even be possible with a 3yr old??

everything else is going well. I still haven't told anyone but family and close friends. It's definitely not a secret but I share so much on FB anyway and this I want to keep just ours. There are days when I'm struggling with pelvic pain but it could always be worse and we are very excited about being a family of 4. It's been a long time coming with some heartache along the way but we are, as I said, very excited.

I'll write more about Toddler N and the Big Boy Room we are getting ready for him in a later post.

I wish you well.

xx

An Alternative NYE 2012

Well, it started on the day before NYE, on the Sunday, when Husband and I went into town to pick up some sale items we'd ordered. I also wanted to run into the bookshop and get a book for Toddler N and it was there it happened.

I was ambling around when all of a sudden I got this horrific pain in the back of my head. I would not have been surprised to find a dictionary falling on my head or having been hit by someone. That was not the case, however.

I felt really sick and almost passed out so we just went home where I crawled into bed for some rest. Husband was very concerned because it was very odd for being me. I have had migraines since I was 14 (20 years) and this was nothing like that. He wanted us to go to A&E, I refused and just wanted to have a rest. He gave me 20 minutes. I said I was fine and just tired so he gave me some more time whilst trying to convince me to go. Just as I was about to relent (which made him all the more worried) I got up and felt a lot better. Just a dull, heavy, ache at the back of my head so he gave in but he wasn't happy. I was, because I felt I'd just dodged a lot of blood tests.

On NYE, I had quite a few things to do. Toddler N and I went into town to pick up some food for the evening to have a bit of a cosy family NYE. Husband had other plans. He called me up and said he'd discussed it with colleagues and they'd all told him to get me to A&E to rule out a brain haemorrhage. Another of his colleagues, whose boy is at the same nursery as Toddler N, called us and told us to drop him off at theirs while we went. So he had an awesome time. and did not need to come with us.

So we went to the A&E. Told my story about a gazillion times, mentioned the pregnancy as many times and also the history of "normal" migraines. The doctors discussed and decided I needed a CT scan, possibly an MRI due to radiation. The House Office came back in to take some blood. I know she left to get me some water and the next thing I know is that Husband is calling my name sounding very worried. I'd fainted. Great.

So while I was lying on the floor, another doctor came in and told me what would happen. I was now under his care and no longer and A&E patient. So off I went to the CT-scan. They then needed to discuss if I should have one or get and MRI instead so I was just hovering around a bit. Then I went into the machine with a lead apron to protect my precious cargo.

Back to A&E for some more exams, light in eyes etc etc. Almost passed out again. This concerned the doctor no end and was not entirely happy that it was because i was hungry. I was. Then we were sent off to the ward where I got a bed and Husband stayed with me until the results came back. The scan was fine but because I'd waited 24 hours it was possible that it just didn't show up and they wanted me to stay over and do a lumbar puncture in the morning.

I said no. Husband and Doctor both gave me a "we are deeply, deeply disappointed in your decision" look. And Husband also made it clear he would not take me home without one. So I stayed.

The NYE was therefore spent in a bay with 5 other ladies, the one opposite me had severe dementia and kept on flashing everyone who was anywhere near her, knocking on the table calling for "NURSE" the whole time until she fell asleep. One other kept shouting "OH MY GOD!" and woke the first lady up again. Some people were sent away, more came. I slept as best I could. I missed my boys something terribly and cried quite a bit. I don't like hospitals.

The next morning Husband came back and his parents, bless them, had driven 3 hours that morning to come and stay with Toddler N so Husband could be with me. He was there when a Consultant came round to do the Lumbar Puncture.

I have slight [i.e. looking for emergency exits, planning my escape, break out in sweat, nausea, almost passing out] phobia of injections. So all that happened while he tried to find a good spot. It's not that it hurts, I ahve no problem with the "pain", it's just the mental bit about the needles I need to sort out. Give me anything to face and I'll stare it down but show me a needle/injection that is intended for me and I become useless...
I threw up the banana I'd eaten and also hummed my version of Edvard Grieg's "Mountain King", which amused Husband and Consultant no end, whilst he was poking and getting spinal fluid out of my spine.

And then it was jus to wait for the initial results to come back, which were ok so I could go home. He did not want to say it was a migraine because it did not really sound like one but results cleared me from an obvious haemorrhage but still kept me at a 1/20,000 risk of it having been one. But those odds sounds alright to me.

SO I'm back home but it's been exhausting for both me and Husband and we're looking forward to a very quiet weekend with some relaxation, good food and just being together the 3 of us.

And there you have it, my NYE. Different and something I wish I wouldn't have needed to experience but I'm feeling good about having done it so we can all relax and not panic at the first sign of a head ache.

As for New Year's resolution; just be happy and healthy and spend as much time as possible with the loves of my life - Husband and Toddler N.

I wish you all the best for 2013.

x

Hour of the Dead

Any hour spent awake during the night (after 22.00 these days) is an hour where I look and feel like one of the Dead. And I mean really dead. Like rotting flesh falling off the bones kind of perkiness. This is one such hour. Or two.

There is a dog barking and I just cannot sleep through it. It woke Toddler N up so we had to bring him into our bed and then it was impossible for me to get back to sleep. Husband could sleep through an air raid so he's snoring away. Prick. Isn't it annoying when someone else is asleep when you just can't?

Fucking Owners.

Who keeps a dog outside in the middle of the night if it is barking?! I called the city council's noise nuisance patrol and complained. We'll see what they can do.

Don't get me wrong. I love dogs. My family has always kept dogs. Little ones and larger ones. Dogs bark. It's annoying during the day but it's more acceptable as long as it isn't the whole time.

It is not acceptable during night however.

AND -

it also makes me wonder. Clearly these people aren't bothered about their fellow neighbours so why would they care about the dog/ Does it have adequate shelter? It is winter and a very rainy one at that.

Anyway, I can't get back to sleep so I thought I'd resurrect the blog while I await tiredness to overcome the barking.

But other than that - Life's peachy at the moment. A bit scary at times - normal headfuck at this stage where all the thoughts go KABOOM and have me worrying when I shouldn't. Am getting my hair cut on Friday which will sort out this wispy -to-the-side-fringe-thing I've got going on. So am looking forward to that. Toddler N's golden locks will fall next Saturday. Thank God. I'm struggling to keep his side parting straight.

I'll write more another day.

Unless I'm doing time for strangling a dog owner with the doglead.

Not joking.

Ms Oh So Organised

Goodness me! I must confess that I have never ever been as organised as I am right now. You see, we are all done with the Christmas shopping! Ok, I have a few things in the basket at amazon that I haven't ordered yet but everything is planned and I know I will be done before we travel to Sweden in a few weeks. It is a really nice feeling. 

I am sure I'll pick up something more along the way but that will be on to of what we've already bought. Husband and I are not exchanging any gifts apart from one which has a maximum amount of £15 and it can be something silly. Toddler N's stuff has already been wrapped. Good wholesome train stuff from Brio and 2 books. That'll do from us, he will be spoilt enough by grandparents, aunts & uncles and cousins. 

Anyhow, just wanted to brag about how good I've been this year and pat myself on the shoulder a little. I'm sure I'll leave wrapping the rest until the very last minute.... Typical. But so far so good! 

Long Rant about Childminders

Let me first start by saying that my mother was a childminder when i was little. I remember a lot of kids growing up in our home and so on until my mom quit and got another job. It was not until later in life that I was told she had to quit because I was not coping well with all those kids around me in my home and had terrible nightmares about kids stealing my LEGO (yes, this is true) and because no one believed her when she alerted Social Services about 2 girls being physically punished in their home as their father was a priest ("and a priest wouldn't do that") and when the girls stopped coming she felt she was done with how the system had treated her and the girls. But on the plus side is that my mom still have "her" former children to come up and say "hi" if they spot her in town or around the village and even my sister and I have had people come up and talk about how much fun they used to have in our house etc.

I always considered it to be an option for my then future children. They'd be in a home environment and with not too big groups of children at once, which they can be at nurseries.

With Toddler N it was pretty much decided from the start where we wanted him to go as we live 5 minutes walk from the best nursery in our city, it constantly gets the grade of "excellent" in OFSTED reports and schools are very, very happy with the knowledge and behaviour that the children from this nursery shows when they start school. So no argument or debating there... but I have sometimes wondered a little how it could have been with a childminder.

Toddler N and I go to a Playgroup every Monday morning I have seen just how some childminders work and it is terrible. Please remember that we are lucky to live in a very good suburb where people are, for the most part, very well behaved. It is kind of like living in a small village.

First off, these childminders just sit there and chat amongst themselves. I never know what children belongs to which childminder whereas you do see quite clearly if a parent/grandparent is there with a child. The childminders NEVER interact with their charges and you can spot a childminder's "child" a mile away on the fact that they NEVER have their noses wiped if they are snotty so it's all green mucus running down in their mouths and on to hands and therefore on to toys. It's a massive pet hate of mine.

Yes, Toddler N has a runny nose every now and then but you'll also see me scouting him out for a wipe every 4 minutes or more if needed.

With the interaction, I mean that they never help their charges out if they want help with being pushed around in a car or if they want to go down the slide etc. Often they even let them cry if they accidentally fall or until someone else feels sorry for them and picks them up to comfort.

It really annoys me because
1) these children are small, we are talking babies and toddler here and they do need help even when we want them to learn to be independent.
2) This is their JOB, parents are paying them to look after the most precious "thing" they have.
3) I'd be pretty pissed off as a parent if I knew that the childminder spent a good part of a morning ignoring the children whilst having a nice cup of tea and a chat. Goodness knows how many playgroups they go to every week. Nice and easy job, isn't it?
4) If they behave like this in public. Just HOW do they behave in their homes? I know they are regulated but everyone can clean up their acts for scheduled visits once or twice a year etc.
45) They are CHILDREN!

Trust me, I know how frustrating it can be to be at home with an insolent toddler and sometimes I just want to scream and bang my head against the wall and that is WHY I couldn't look after anyone else's child/ren as a job. I know my limits and I have a child who's constantly pushing them in between being the most wonderful child ever, but I couldn't do it as a job.

So what made me so annoyed today? Well, it is Monday so Toddler N and I have been to the playgroup and there is this childminder that makes my hair stand on end. 2 of her charges (I have no idea how many she looks after) are brothers and they fight and can be quite rough with each other and other children (Noah's been attacked which made him frightened of going for a couple of weeks) and the Childminder never ever keeps an eye on them and tries to stop any fights erupting. And if your child is in a bit of a mood, you do keep an extra eye on them at all times to make sure they behave, right? Anyway, that is what the/us parents there seem to do.

Today it was a smaller child's turn to be on the receiving end of the younger brother and he pushed this child to the ground and he broke down crying. I was busy sorting out a table with train tracks so just didn't get there in time to help the little one up and as I saw the childminder right behind her charge I kind of figured she would sort it out, which she should. BUT imagine my horror when I see her just pulling the little one to his feet and then grab "her" boy's arm really hard and yank him towards the little one "to say SORRY!" so aggressively that he stumbles and headbutts the little one so he falls down again, this time in obvious pain.

I was completely shocked, cried "OH MY GOD" (it's in a church), dropped everything I had in my hands to scoop the little one up but another mother got to him before I did and handed him over to his grandmother who hadn't seen what happened. So I just stood there watching as the childminder picked up her teacup and went back to her seat as if nothing had happened. As if SHE hadn't just been really rough, causing 2 little boys pain, even if it happened by accident and frustration.

I usually don't have a problem squaring up to people and telling them exactly what I think of their behaviour but I just didn't know what to do or how to go about it. A dad who was right next to me looked absolutely disgusted and just shook his head at me and said that there is no way that his children would ever go to a childminder despite the home environment, smaller groups and the substantial lower cost than a nursery. And I can't help but agree.

I know that there are good and absolutely wonderful childminders out there but I just wouldn't chance it. Not with the love of my life. No, absolutely not.

2 other mothers saw it too and we'd agreed that we'll keep an eye out and if anything happens again then we will have to act and bring it up with someone who knows who this person is and who the boys are.

It frightens me.

Dubble OOOOH seven

Have you seen the trailer for the new James Bond movie - out on the 26th? Have you? HAVE YOU??

Kherrist. I think I peed my pants a little bit.

Daniel Craig is so the sexiest man to have ever walked this planet.*



*After Husband. Obviously!

It Is A Hard Life I Lead

I used to have the German peppered salami all to myself. Then Husband started to like it and I guess that was ok. But now I have yet another competitor - Toddler N!! You'd think he wouldn't like the peppery edges but oh he does!

So not really a problem but a little bit annoyed that I can't have it all to myself. ;)

I was wrong...

... when I said that Ice Age was a boring movie. It is hilarious! Maybe I have matured or maybe it is because I am watching it with Toddler N and I see his reactions and hear his commentary "Quick, Ekorre!!"